Thoughts from 2019

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Here is my first blog post in many months. Our little guy, Asaph, came in the summer, and I feel like I’ve barely had time to think. I had a bad giving birth: it’s deeply painful even to remember it. Asaph was delivered via forceps. I ended up with twenty stitches (yes, 20) and lost a lot of blood. Half a year has passed and I’ve recovered for the most part, but I still have some healing yet to do both physically and emotionally. I wish to goodness I’d had a c-section.

If I’m being frank and honest, I must say that I’ve never really been fond of babies. I find infant care tedious and overwhelming. Since Asaph was born, I’ve had minimal physical and emotional energy. I’ve felt so distant and disconnected from everyone. 

I was afraid that having a baby would hinder me from going out and doing the things I want and need to do. People assured me it wouldn’t be that bad, but actually it’s been even worse than I was afraid of. Indeed, it’s a struggle just to move around the house, feed myself or use the bathroom. My thoughts are disorganized, and it’s incredibly discouraging. I have a very hard time reading my Bible. I’ve even a hard time focusing on my relationship with my husband…and my relationship with God.

All this being said: 

Even though I don’t enjoy babies…

Even though I feel out of focus…

Even though my days sometimes feel unbearably tedious and lonely…

…I adore this sweet little cuddly bundle. No pain or sadness I’ve experienced has been his fault. It took a couple of months to feel bonded, but now my heart warms at the delighted smile he gives me when I enter a room. I love his frantic excitement when he sees his daddy. I find his shy yet affectionate personality endearing. I enjoy breastfeeding him and watching him gaze up at me with his big brown eyes.

Although I had a bad experience giving birth, I don’t take anything for granted. I’m thankful that we had access to a great hospital with wonderful, caring staff. I know many women in the world don’t have access to decent medical care. I don’t know why out of all the women and infants in the world Asaph and I should be among those who are alive and well, but I am incredibly grateful.

I’ve come to understand also that God isn’t angry at me for being unable to focus when I read my Bible. He understands my human weakness. I was feeling a tad stressed because I felt I wasn’t learning anything from reading scripture. A friend pointed out to me that it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to teach me. Once I realized that, I relaxed and stopped worrying about making myself learn from scripture.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

–Hebrews 4:15-16

This year was kind of hard, but I also have so much to thank God for. And as for the tedium which comes from taking care of a baby, my husband reminds me that this will not last forever. The bigger Asaph gets, the more I enjoy him. He’ll be independent before we know it. God is good.

 

 

One more thing. Some people ask how I feel at the thought of having another baby. Well, if my husband happens to read this, I’d like to remind him of that big, beautiful word:

ADOPTION

***cough*** ***cough*** ***hint***