Category: Love & Relationships

Posted in Faith and Hope, Love & Relationships, Social Issues

What is Mankind’s Purpose? 

Posted on by Anna

If meaning came from satisfaction of basic needs, such as food, safety and physical pleasure, the question of meaning would, in itself, be meaningless. In such a universe, one could silence restless philosophers by feeding them. Many people do seek ultimate fulfillment through physical comfort. They seek pleasure through lifestyles centered around such things as accumulating possessions, focusing on their bodies, trying to maintain happiness at all times, but these so commonly fail to provide significant or lasting meaning that clichés such as, “Money can’t buy happiness,” are coined.

I should clarify that I don’t equate finding meaning in life with happiness or fulfillment. I would define happiness as an experience of pleasure at a given point in time. Martyrdom may be deeply meaningful to a person, but it’s certainly not a happy experience. Fulfillment or a deep sense of well-being encompasses other elements in addition to a sense of meaning, for example, the need for belonging to a group, for relational intimacy, to have value as a person, or a sense of purpose and productivity. Such elements are separate but interwoven, and if any of these elements are missing, most people will experience some negative impact. 

Many of the most famous philosophers, despite coming from vastly different spiritual backgrounds, cultures and upbringings all came to what is in essence the same conclusion: that it is possible to find meaning in life, and that a meaningful life is one which pursues virtue. In other words, that which is meaningful in life must transcend mere meeting of physical needs or impulses.

• Plato referred to an objective called “eudaimonia,” “the good life,” which is what humans must strive for in order to be truly happy. Greeks philosophers believed everything has an “arete,” “virtue” or “excellence,” which is what gives it value. For example, a knife’s arete is its ability to cut well. Plato believed a human’s arete was virtue, which encompassed qualities such as wisdom, courage and justice.

• René Descartes said, “The supreme good consists in virtue, which is a firm and constant resolution to use the will well.” In a letter to Princess Elisabeth of Bohemia, Descartes presented his personal definition of “virtue” as being “a firm and constant resolution to carry out whatever reason recommends without being diverted by [one’s] passions or appetites.”

• Immanuel Kant likewise believed that human beings had a higher moral calling he dubbed “Categorical Imperative.” Kant believed that moral laws are universal and are centered around acting in the benefit of mankind.

As can be seen, it has been widely believed through the ages by different philosophers that a “meaningful” or “good” life (I believe the two terms are synonymous) comes from virtue, and therefore seeking to be virtuous will bring meaning to life.  This virtue has included the idea of moral and ethical standards that apply to mankind as a whole, not unique to an individual or a particular society. An example of such a virtue is that of acting for the benefit of mankind even at the expense of one’s personal benefit. This is an indication that virtue is an objective concept which can be studied. Therefore, seeking to understand virtue, where it comes from, what it is, and implementing it into one’s life will bring meaning into one’s life. 

I concede that my argument begs the question of the nature of virtue. The philosophers I have mentioned widely agreed on what encompasses virtue, and that it includes temperance, courage, justice, and wisdom. Plato believed these to be the four cardinal virtues from which all other good qualities stem. While applied in different ways, Plato’s cardinal virtues are held on a basic level in every culture throughout time, as far as can be known in history. This coincides with Kant’s idea that morality can be universally applied. Therefore, one can reasonably believe that there exists some form of objective morality. If this is the case, then it deserves to be studied.

Going a Step Further

A virtuous character is widely defined as, “How you act when nobody’s looking.” The pursuit of “good” behavior alone, the legalistic following of socially proscribed rules and ethics, however, may lead an individual to follow a set of dogma over the well-being of his or her fellow man. This may be seen, for example, when a soldier carries out the commander’s orders, but in doing so, commits atrocities against others. Virtue, then, becomes virtue only in relationship to others. To people of faith, “other” also includes God. The term that Christians would use to summarize the philosophers’ emphasis on virtue as following standards that apply to all people, for the good of people, carried out in relationship with people for their good, is “love.”  Whether or not someone believes in God, most people will find themselves empty and dissatisfied if their sense of virtue doesn’t lead them to form healthy relationships with other human beings. This can be obtained by virtuous living as defined by acting in consideration for others. Therefore virtue brings life meaning insofar as it helps us to have healthy relationships with others.

From a Christian perspective, virtue must first connect a person with God in a loving relationship. God provides them with an objective standard of morality or virtue applicable to all mankind, and provides a model through His own actions. From a theist’s perspective, the belief that there is an omnipotent, benevolent God present in our lives with whom we can have a relationship is of great importance.

Lewis’ philosophies often echoed that of Blaise Pascal. Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ.” Pascal had some rather odd theology from a Christian point of view, but from a philosophical standpoint, I agree with his view that a relationship with God (by a conventional Christian definition) is the logical conclusion of what gives life meaning. Further, if someone believes in an afterlife and the immortality of the human soul, then that brings a deeper level of meaningfulness to our relationships in this life.

C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity, “If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark.” Lewis believed that the meaning of life was in the pursuit of what he called “Joy,” a sense of wonder and fulfillment, which could only be derived from knowing God. In The Weight of Glory, he wrote, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

A little girl once wrote Lewis’ friend and colleague, J.R.R Tolkien a letter asking, “What is the purpose of life?” Tolkien’ answered’s reply was, “So it may be said that the chief purpose of life for any one of us, is to increase according to our capacity our knowledge of God by all the means we have, and to be moved by it to praise and thanks.” His reasoning was that if the Creator of the universe made us with a purpose, knowing Him would reveal to us all meaning.

Delving into the beliefs of these philosophers, it can be deduced that the answer to the question, “What is the meaning of life?” is simply to have a loving relationship with God. Our textbook asks, “Why has God created us, and why us in particular? What does God expect from us? Some people think that God created us as something special, not only ‘in His own image’ but with a mission to accomplish for him here on earth. But why would he do that, if he can do anything?”

The only thing God cannot do (from a logical standpoint) is to force us to love Him, because love cannot, by definition, be forced. He created us with the potential to have a relationship with Him for our mutual joy. We engage in this relationship in much the same way we engage in human relationships. We can talk to God (via prayer), listen to Him (via meditation and the study of scripture), and act out of consideration for Him (which entails acting out of consideration for the other people He created). Christians, specifically, consider a relationship with God to be based on love, which offers a sense of security.

Nihilism

An opposing view would be nihilism; the belief that life is without meaning. If life is without meaning, it’s very strange that we should even question it. For what purpose would the human organism evolve to have a sense of existentialism if our lives had no inherent meaning? Nihilism as a philosophy contradicts human nature, which is strange in and of itself if nihilism is true.

The idea of nihilism can be a comforting idea to fall back on, because it means that the individual can simply choose a purpose for life as it happens to suit the person in the moment. Hedonism is a logical conclusion to come to: if we choose life’s meaning, why not live to indulge our every pleasure?

But imagine a society where everyone took that concept to the extreme. There would be no inherent value to acts of charity, helping others, or even common courtesy. A society of nihilists would be a society of incredibly self-centered and rude or even abusive people, and would quickly become dysfunctional. The only logical reason that a nihilist would not ignore others’ boundaries in order to please self would be fear of some sort of retribution. 

The most emotionally intelligent and well-liked nihilists are those who take pleasure in being kind to others. If the nihilists who derive their meaning from acts of virtue are the most healthy, sociable and fulfilled, isn’t that rather telling? Thus, exploring the inevitable outcome of nihilism brings one back to an inherent sense of virtue.

A Side Note

I would strongly differentiate between what makes a person’s life meaningful and what gives them value as a person. A person who goes out, does remarkable works of charity and has lots of healthy relationships might have a “fuller” life than an antisocial couch-potato, but that does not necessarily mean they are more valuable as a human being. This premise of inherent value comes from my Christian theology and the belief in souls, but others may make the same argument stemming from the human capability for empathy and compassion. Anyone who thinks their value is in how well they put virtue into practice will inevitably end up feeling burned-out and weighed down by guilt, as none of us can live up to our ideals.

Conclusion

These are reasons for concluding that virtue is an objective concept which brings meaning to life as a means of developing healthy relationships, and subsequently, healthier societies. Virtue does not equate a human’s inherent value, but it simply gives a sense of purpose and fulfillment. A relationship with God is the ultimate source of fulfillment.

Sources:

Plato – Dialogue form | Britannica. (2019). In Encyclopædia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Plato/Dialogue-form#ref281699

Reporter, E. (2022, January 9). René Descartes: The Meaning of Life — Virtue, Mind & Doubt. https://excellencereporter.com/2022/01/09/rene-descartes-the-meaning-of-life-virtue-mind-doubt/

Noa Naaman-Zauderer. (2015). Virtue. Cambridge University Press EBooks, 747–753. https://doi.org/10.1017/cbo9780511894695.255

Johnson, R., & Cureton, A. (2004, February 23). Kant’s Moral Philosophy. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy; 

Stanford University. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/kant-moral/

Clarke, D. (2007, August 21). Blaise Pascal (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy). Stanford.edu. Blaise Pascal (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)Lewis, C. S. (2012). Mere Christianity. William Collins.

Lewis, C. S. (2009). The Weight of Glory.

Pascal, Blaise, 1623-1662. ( 1966). Pascal’s Pensées. Harmondsworth, England :Penguin Books,

Tolkien, J. R. R. (1981). The letters of J.R.R. Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin.

Posted in Church & Ministry Life, Faith and Hope, Love & Relationships, Social Issues

Christians Responding to Religious Trauma

Posted on by Anna

Searching “Religious Trauma” online opens up a slew of heartbreaking stories of people who have been deeply wounded by various churches. When someone is mistreated by a religious community, it can seem evident to born-again Christians that the perpetrating community in question does not actually understand or teach scripture. However, saying something like, “It doesn’t sound like that church believes the gospel or knows Jesus.” Will often be met with, “You say that, but I’ve had bad experiences in all the churches I’ve been to. Christians are just toxic.”

It’s definitely worthwhile to reflect upon how healthy a church’s dynamic is and how they impact their community. However, it’s simply not true that all churches are toxic and dysfunctional. Why, then, does it feel that way to many people?

Churches are supposed to be safe places.

Many, if not most people expect churches to be safe places and it comes as a terrible shock when someone encounters wrong teaching or bad behavior from church members, especially ministers.

Ideally, smaller church congregations would operate as loving families, acknowledging other congregations as being united with them as part of one, global church. This is the dynamic shown in the New Testament with the first churches springing to life. When a church congregation or denomination tolerates sin or bad leadership, Christians may become disillusioned with their community and start having negative associations with anything relating to church.

Churches are made out of people, and people can be terrible.

Everyone is bound to hurt someone else sooner or later in any group of people; whether it be a family, a circle of friends, a workplace, or a church. That’s simply the nature of relationships. Granted, everyone should cut abusive relationships from their life, but it’s impossible to find a circle of people who always act like Jesus.

There are cases when someone is mistreated by a fellow church-goer, and the best course of action would be to simply, “let it go,” or else talk about the issue and seek reconciliation. Instead of that, sometimes a person may choose to hold on to the wrong done to them and allow it to skew their outlook on the church as a whole.

Many churches have genuinely gone off the rails.

It is a sad reality that there are many, many religious communities in existence who have lost sight of the Truth, relying instead on stale tradition or worldly impulses. Such communities are sure to breed immorality such as gossip, shame, self-righteousness, and never-ending conflict. There are churches which are cultic, run authoritatively by narcissistic ministers. These communities shouldn’t come as a surprise to us, however, because the Bible itself warns against them.

The proverbial “wolves in sheep’s clothing” comes from Matthew chapter 7 when Jesus said in verses 15-17, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?  So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit.”

What are examples of good fruit from a church congregation? That would be “The Fruit of the Spirit” – the signs of the Holy Spirit at work.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

–Galatians 5:22-23

When people present themselves as Christians and abuse others, it can ruin a person’s perception of God, just like an abusive relative can ruin a person’s perception of family. If a church congregation is not centered on God, we won’t see the fruit of His Spirit. We’ll see a congregation constantly wallowing in everything contrary to the Holy Spirit: fear, hopelessness, anxiety, selfishness, evil, unreliability, harshness and intractability.

A person who has spent many years in an environment such as this may take many more years to un-learn what they have been taught to think God is like. Being immersed in a perverse community which taught them falsehoods about God and His word can be traumatic to a person, and they can only be approached prayerfully and with compassion. We may desire to speak truth to a religiously traumatized person, but we must be careful to do it in the right way with God’s love.

“Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

–Ephesians 4:14-16

Responding in Love and Compassion

@cheekymisfitt

its a struggle 🙃 #altchristian #christianweeb #fyp #christiantiktok #religioustrauma #christianity #jesus #prayer #worship

♬ original sound – shelbz ✟⊹⁺

Once when I was a child, I was visiting a farm and another child provoked a rooster. That rooster lashed out at me and left a big gash on my knee. To this day, I still feel apprehensive around roosters. Someone could point out that I only ever had one bad experience with a rooster, but some level of anxiety still remains for me. Telling me that “Not all roosters will attack you,” doesn’t help.

Trauma can cause prejudiced or globalized feelings towards an entire group of people. Someone who grew up in a dysfunctional church may genuinely feel that all churches have unhealthy dynamics. Such a person may not be ready to hear about a healthy Christian community because even the mention of church spikes their anxiety. Telling them “your faith is in people, not in God” won’t take away their pain or negative associations with religious institutions.

Understandably, a person who has been sexually abused may struggle in maintaining a romantic relationship, or they may be apprehensive of sex. However, though countless people have been sexually abused, that doesn’t mean that sex itself is evil. Likewise, though someone may have been abused by someone in a position of spiritual leadership, that doesn’t mean that Christianity is something to fear. But it will certainly take time for an abuse victim to heal.

The greatest tragedy is when a dysfunctional church has skewed someone’s perception of God. If someone has had a traumatic experience in church, it’s not our job to “save” them. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. Trying to humanly convince a spiritually traumatized person that belief in the gospel leads to joy and freedom from shame will probably be a fruitless endeavor. The kindest things Christians can do for people who have experienced religious trauma is to offer a sympathetic ear and, above all else, pray.

Posted in Faith and Hope, Love & Relationships

A Ticking Clock, Death and the Supernatural

Posted on by Anna

“And I heard a voice from heaven saying,

‘Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’

‘Blessed indeed,’ says the Spirit, 

‘that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!'”

–Revelation 14:13

My last surviving grandparent, my maternal grandfather, passed nearly three weeks ago.

He’s always kept a mantel clock on his roll top desk which he had inherited from his mother, and which now I have inherited. It’s one of those old ones which has a key to wind it up, but it had not been working at all for a very long time. A couple days after his passing, I was in my grandpa’s study with my mom. It was then that I suddenly noticed the clock ticking.

I said to my mom, “Oh, did you fix the clock?” but even as I asked the question, my gaze fell upon the key, still dusty and unmoved from the last place my grandpa had left it.

Mom stood still for a moment and heard the ticking too. “I didn’t fix it,” my mom answered, “Maybe your dad or your sister did.”

When I asked my sister about it later, she looked surprised. My dad came out of grandpa’s office and commented, “That clock ticks and it even chimes now too!”

“But I didn’t touch it, and no one else did either!” I said with bewilderment.

My dad smiled and shrugged, “It’s a Christmas miracle…in July.”

I googled what could cause an old clock to start working again inexplicably. Some answers vaguely alluded to someone bumping it, which would not account for all the times it had been bumped by my grandpa sitting at his desk. However, I was interested to discover that many people had the same experience of broken clocks miraculously working again just before or just after a death in the household. The most common answer to my google search was something supernatural, weirdly enough.

I don’t think of myself as superstitious, and as a Christian I don’t believe in ghosts. However when I saw that the clock was working again I felt a spark of joy. I had wanted to have the clock fixed anyway and I knew in my heart that this was a gift from God.

My mom said, “It’s God reminding us that life doesn’t stop with death. The clock keeps ticking into eternity.”

When I think of my grandparents, I think of Romans 10:14-15:

How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”

My grandma preceded grandpa into heaven ten months prior to his death. As a couple they dedicated their lives to humanitarian efforts and had served with Wycliffe Bible Translators for forty years. Their deepest passion was for sharing the gospel and making sure everyone had access to scripture in their own native language. I’ll be forever grateful to my grandparents for teaching me to respect and understand other cultures. They will always inspire to be brave, resourceful, resilient and adventurous.

According to my mother, however, my grandparents’ main foible was a subconscious belief that their value was tied into how much they could do for God. They had a strong tendency to be so engrossed in ministry that they forgot to prioritize relationships and the individual needs of their children. In that way they were classic “people of their time.” It was only in the final years of my grandfather’s life that he came to understand in his heart that his value is inherent: God loves him just for who he is.

Flawed though they were, they paved the way for the next generation of Christians to utilize their gifts and abilities to further the gospel and spread the message of hope. They empowered and equipped believers from all different ethnic groups all around the world. Although they were imperfect parents, they raised my wonderful mother who God has also used powerfully. Amith and grandpa, despite both the generational and cultural gaps, were very close. I saw the beauty of the love of Jesus drawing them together as members of one family in Christ. Both my grandparents loved us very much and were always very supportive of Amith and me in our endeavors. I know Amith and I will cherish their memory in our hearts as long as we live.

Like the little boy who brought his tiny fish and loaves of bread, my grandparents brought their workaholic, emotionally-constipated selves and through them God cultivated love in abundance. I find joy and comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be perfect for God to work through me in amazing ways.

Grandpa’s last Bible study series was on Revelations, which seems very appropriate. Like Revelations 14:13 says, I love to think of my grandparents resting from their labors and enjoying the presence of God. Their good deeds will follow them, and impact generations long after they’ve been long forgotten. The clock will keep ticking, and the family of God will flourish.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.”

–John 5:24

Posted in Faith and Hope, Love & Relationships

The Patience of Toddlers

Posted on by Anna

My mom and I were out shopping for Christmas decoration craft supplies. On the way home we stopped at the store where my husband works. When we parked outside, my son recognized where we were and became excited.

“Daddy!” Asaph exclaimed gleefully.

But when we entered the store we were told by one of his coworkers that my husband had gotten off early. We shrugged and headed back to the car.

“Daddy?!” Asaph protested.

“Daddy’s at home. We’ll see him in a few minutes,” I explained.

As my mom opened the car door, Asaph clung to it with his chubby, yet surprisingly strong little fists.

“Daddy! DADDY!!!” He wailed.

“We’re going home to see daddy! We’ll see him soon!” I explained again as I pried his tiny toddler fingers off the door and strapped him to his car seat.

“DADDY!!! DADDY!!! DADDYYYYYY!!!” He screamed on the ten-minute drive home as though his heart was breaking.

Needless to say, a few minutes later he was overjoyed to see for himself that his father was indeed still alive!

It was so sad yet so funny to see Asaph so upset over nothing. He understands a lot, but apparently he couldn’t understand that he would be with his daddy in just a little while. I felt that there were metaphors to be drawn from my son’s tears. It made me more self-aware: this must be how we look to God when we’re waiting for an answer to prayer.

Patience is a very important fruit of the Spirit. When love is described in 1 Corinthians 13, the first verse says, “Love is patient.” All of us, deep down, are just tantruming toddlers. Who am I kidding: it may not even be all that deep down. Patience is not something we can create in ourselves; it takes the Holy Spirit to help us. If we ask the Holy Spirit, He’ll be faithful to make us patient.

I tried explaining to Asaph again and again that his daddy was at home and he could be with him very soon. Yet Asaph could not understand. Likewise, we may panic when we can’t understand what God is doing. Uncertainty is terrifying. We must trust in our Heavenly Father and have faith in Him. Just like the man in Mark chapter 9, we can cry out to Jesus and ask, “Help my unbelief!” The Holy Spirit wants to help us trust in Him.

“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint”

–Isaiah 40:31

Posted in Love & Relationships

Love, Grace & Pizza

Posted on by Anna

I once overheard another Indian man asking Amith if it’s difficult being married to someone from a different culture. My husband’s answer has kept me smiling ever since;

“Being married to an American girl is great! She doesn’t want gold jewelry; I just get her pizza and she’s happy!”

There are things about me many men would find irksome, especially in India. I find sewing and cooking tedious and will do so only when absolutely needed. I’m uncomfortable at large gatherings and I take a VERY casual approach to being a hostess. I’d rather have alone time and quiet. I don’t know how to communicate besides saying honestly what I’m thinking, which is considered rather charming in America, but in India…not so much.

Because of these things, I know there are a great deal of people across the globe who would not think I’m great wife material. I know that Amith wishes I would cook. I know sometimes I embarrass him when I speak my mind too brashly. And yet he appreciates me not for what I can do, but for who I am.

Because I’m honest, he says he always knows my intentions. I couldn’t hide an agenda if I tried. My husband is introverted, and so appreciates and sympathizes with my discomfort in large crowds. He says that in me he has someone he can be himself around. I value friendship and relational intimacy more than what my spouse can do for me, and I know Amith feels the same.

1 John 4:7-8 days, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

God also loves us not for what we can do for Him. He loves us just for who we are. Because Amith doesn’t pressure me to be a perfect wife, I feel at peace with him. I have the greatest amount of respect and affection for my husband. Knowing that God loves me even more makes me want to spend more time in His presence and enjoy His company.

I wish with every part of my being that every couple would know God’s gracious, faithful love for us. It changes a person into the best version of themselves: the person God made them to be.

I’m continually thankful that God gave me a husband who displays His love.

Posted in Life as a Foreigner, Love & Relationships

Thoughts from 2019

Posted on by Anna

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Here is my first blog post in many months. Our little guy, Asaph, came in the summer, and I feel like I’ve barely had time to think. I had a bad giving birth: it’s deeply painful even to remember it. Asaph was delivered via forceps. I ended up with twenty stitches (yes, 20) and lost a lot of blood. Half a year has passed and I’ve recovered for the most part, but I still have some healing yet to do both physically and emotionally. I wish to goodness I’d had a c-section.

If I’m being frank and honest, I must say that I’ve never really been fond of babies. I find infant care tedious and overwhelming. Since Asaph was born, I’ve had minimal physical and emotional energy. I’ve felt so distant and disconnected from everyone. 

I was afraid that having a baby would hinder me from going out and doing the things I want and need to do. People assured me it wouldn’t be that bad, but actually it’s been even worse than I was afraid of. Indeed, it’s a struggle just to move around the house, feed myself or use the bathroom. My thoughts are disorganized, and it’s incredibly discouraging. I have a very hard time reading my Bible. I’ve even a hard time focusing on my relationship with my husband…and my relationship with God.

All this being said: 

Even though I don’t enjoy babies…

Even though I feel out of focus…

Even though my days sometimes feel unbearably tedious and lonely…

…I adore this sweet little cuddly bundle. No pain or sadness I’ve experienced has been his fault. It took a couple of months to feel bonded, but now my heart warms at the delighted smile he gives me when I enter a room. I love his frantic excitement when he sees his daddy. I find his shy yet affectionate personality endearing. I enjoy breastfeeding him and watching him gaze up at me with his big brown eyes.

Although I had a bad experience giving birth, I don’t take anything for granted. I’m thankful that we had access to a great hospital with wonderful, caring staff. I know many women in the world don’t have access to decent medical care. I don’t know why out of all the women and infants in the world Asaph and I should be among those who are alive and well, but I am incredibly grateful.

I’ve come to understand also that God isn’t angry at me for being unable to focus when I read my Bible. He understands my human weakness. I was feeling a tad stressed because I felt I wasn’t learning anything from reading scripture. A friend pointed out to me that it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to teach me. Once I realized that, I relaxed and stopped worrying about making myself learn from scripture.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

–Hebrews 4:15-16

This year was kind of hard, but I also have so much to thank God for. And as for the tedium which comes from taking care of a baby, my husband reminds me that this will not last forever. The bigger Asaph gets, the more I enjoy him. He’ll be independent before we know it. God is good.

 

2019-12-03_21-36-44_160 copy

 

One more thing. Some people ask how I feel at the thought of having another baby. Well, if my husband happens to read this, I’d like to remind him of that big, beautiful word:

ADOPTION

***cough*** ***cough*** ***hint***

 

Posted in Faith and Hope, Love & Relationships

A Father’s Love

Posted on by Anna

“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.”

–Psalm 68:5

Good parents discipline their children. Good parents also don’t base their love for their children off of their children’s obedience.

When secularists, especially in western culture, think of Christianity they fear that they will “have to follow a bunch of rules” in order to please God. However, they miss the point that God views us as His children and loves us. He gives us rules to live by to keep us from harming ourselves, much like how a human father will tell his children not to play on a busy street where they might be hit by a car. This is the difference between a conventional religion and a relationship with God.
The Oxford dictionary of English defines “religion” as “The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods” or ” A particular system of faith and worship.” In that sense Christianity is a religion, since we worship God. Practically speaking, however, Christianity differs drastically from any other religious belief system. God accepts us even when we don’t obey Him; He loves those who even actively hate Him. The unconditional fatherly love of God is evident in Romans 5:8, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Even many Christians miss this point, truth be told. That’s why some act out of anger and wrath rather than kindness.

“Christianity is not about signing up for a religion. Christianity is about being born into the family of God (John 3:3). It is a relationship. Just as an adopted child has no power to create an adoption, we have no power to join the family of God by our own efforts. We can only accept His invitation to know Him as Father through adoption (Ephesians 1:5; Romans 8:15). When we join His family through faith in the death and resurrection of Jesus, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside our hearts (1 Corinthians 6:19; Luke 11:13; 2 Corinthians 1:21–22). He then empowers us to live like children of the King. He does not ask us to try to attain holiness by our own strength, as religion does. He asks that our old self be crucified with Him so that His power can live through us (Galatians 2:20; Romans 6:6). God wants us to know Him, to draw near to Him, to pray to Him, and love Him above everything.” [1]

As God’s adopted children, Christians are expected to follow the rules which He set for our own benefit. He will be faithful to help us follow these rules. But for the times we fail, God still offers His forgiveness and love as our father.
Maybe you never had a loving father and don’t really understand what they’re like. God offers Himself as an adoptive father to the fatherless. A person is not born a Christian: they must accept God’s gift of adoption through Jesus Christ. Simply declaring your faith and dedicating your life to Him will bring you into relationship with God, which is what He desires.

“…You did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!'” –Romans 8:15

 

Sources:
[1] GotQuestions.org. “Is Christianity a Religion or a Relationship?” GotQuestions.org, 21 Feb. 2018, http://www.gotquestions.org/Christianity-religion-relationship.html.

Posted in Love & Relationships, Social Issues

God’s Ideal for Husbands and Wives

Posted on by Anna

As I stated in my previous blog post, “Patriarchy and How it Departs From God’s Desires For Society,” the world views male headship as the man telling the family what to do and the family obeying (and many Christians teach this).  In contrast God’s intention was that the man and woman are a unit which cannot function without each other — they just have different roles.  Adam was given the job of dominion, or stewarding, the world, but then shown by God that he could not do this by himself, and was given Eve to complete what was not complete in Adam.  For one thing, Adam was told to fill the earth and subdue it; really hard to accomplish without Eve!  Adam, as one single man, could not subdue the earth – it would take people filling the earth, each stewarding their little part of the earth.  So Adam could only fill God’s mandate in conjunction with Eve.

In an ideal marriage, both man and woman are submitting to the authority of God to obey the individual mandates God has given them, and that it’s only in their working together that they can fulfill what God has called them to do.
Here is an analogy:  In Lifeflight, the pilot and medical person receive an order from “the boss” to go save someone’s life.  The pilot flies there and gives directions to the medic about when to jump out, get the patient and load him in.  The pilot has this designated authority, but without the cooperation and the added skills of the medic, the patient will die.  The medic is successful in his mission of saving the patient because of the pilot, and the pilot is successful in his mission of saving the patient because of the medic.

In the same way, Eve did not help Adam to fill the role the God gave Adam to protect and steward her because she didn’t seek his guidance, and Adam did not help Eve to fill the role God gave her to be fruitful, and bring only life instead of death into the world.

As we can see in Genesis 3:16, sin impacted this because in rejecting God’s authority, man and woman were now no longer brought together in joyful, mutual submission to God.  They each began to desire to be their own authority, and so conflict with God and with each other began.  They suddenly reflected the nature of Satan, didn’t they?  Thus the beautiful mutual benefit that man and woman gave to each other became twisted.  The Spirit begins to redeem these roles and mutual godliness to their original glory, but apart from the Spirit, when men and women seek to be their own authority or when others take the authority over others that belongs to God, very ugly things happen.

The point of the wife’s compliance is to help the husband obey Christ fully in his job of stewarding his family. When the husband understands this, he must seek his wife’s input, knowing that she is a gift from God to help him.  He certainly would not regard her as a child, or inferior as that is not the role God has given.  In turn, the wife must understand that when she respects her husband she is acting as a tool or influence of Christ in his life. She recognizes the honor of being trusted by God to be the physical expression of the Spirit’s work.  Even if her husband is a moron, she understands that she is serving Christ in this.  Christ came to save morons, even if they ultimately rejected Him.
This is why God does not listen to a man’s prayers if he mistreats his wife, because that man is ignoring the work of the Spirit through her.  It is noble work.  It reflects what the Spirit Himself does in our lives.

Of course, if the husband is telling the wife to ignore the authority of God, he is telling her to obey his authority, which is just what the serpent did in the garden.  Clearly, the wife needs to obey God in this matter.

The world battles a lot about control issues, but much more rarely so we hear about “how do we, as a couple, fulfill what God has asked us to do, that we cannot do by ourselves?”  This is not just the “fill the earth” part (sometimes couples don’t have kids), it is showing the world many aspects of God that can only be shown by a couple, such as what covenant love is, faithfulness, a picture of the Trinity (Spirit-husband-wife), etc.  Sometimes, sadly, married couples try to fulfill God’s mandate as two individuals who happen to live together, rather than as two-becoming-one.  They don’t understand God’s purpose and witness to the world through marriage.

A husband’s role is like a priest. The priest’s role was to help the people come into the presence of God.  That’s what the leadership was; “Come learn to love God and to obey Him.”  The husband guides and supports his wife into submission to Christ.  Of course, the Bible says in Ephesians 5:18-21 that we are all to submit to each other in Christ,
“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
So also, 1 Peter 2:9 says we are all priests!
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
The purpose of wives’ submission to husbands is to guide and support husbands into submission to Christ too.

Again, marriage reflects the Trinity, where Jesus obeyed the Father, and the Father glorified Jesus, and within the totality of the Trinity, they brought Believers into relationship with Themselves.  The Father draws us, the Son redeems us, the Spirit transforms us.  They each have 100% honor and glory, but they humble themselves, they honor each other, they are truthful with each other, they communicate, they love each other etc, and they work together in their various roles to bring about all that is righteousness and love in us and through us.  This is the ideal of marriage too.

Posted in Love & Relationships, Social Issues

Is It A Moral Duty To Have Children?

Posted on by Anna

It’s an obvious fact that most people like kids. I myself look forward to the day when my husband and I have little ones of our own. However, I hear many people talk about having children as if it’s a moral duty for couples to reproduce. If a couple doesn’t have kids then they’re treated like there’s something very wrong with them and/or they’re living in sin.
This is a very common attitude which I’ve observed, but there are some couples who seem to have had children for selfish motives, and their kids suffer for it. I wondered if it’s possible for people to have kids for the wrong reasons, and I wondered if it’s truly a moral duty for all couples to reproduce. Thinking of a wise, godly person with children of her own to give me a detailed answer, I made the obvious choice and asked my mother.

She sent me the following email:

 

Anna, you asked whether couples have a moral duty to have children. It’s an interesting discussion, isn’t it? Here are some thoughts of mine.

1. Each time the earth was empty, at creation and after the flood, God told people to be fruitful and fill it.

To Adam and Eve – Genesis 1:28 “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'”

Genesis 9:1, ” And God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.'”

Does this mean that we are sinning if we are not doing this?
A. The Bible says God opens and closes wombs, so we know that childlessness in itself is not sinful. God would never cause sin. Infertile couples are not sinning, nor is their infertility necessarily a result of sin (e.g. Hannah and Sarah, God closed their wombs for many years, but not due to sin, it was because He had particular purpose for their lives.)
B. Paul said that he chose to remain single. In choosing that, he was choosing not to be fruitful and multiply. The Bible indicates that this is a good thing if people are gifted for singleness. Again, singleness and childlessness is good if it is being used for God’s purposes and glory.
C. The admonition to be fruitful and fill the earth may have been intended for the people as a nation, not necessarily for each individual (even though it was spoken to individuals who were beginning the nations). Another example of a command with this difference is that when someone murdered someone else, Israel as a nation was commanded to kill the murderer, but the relatives were not to get revenge on the murderer as individuals.

We are made in the image of God, who creates and cares for His creation. So my belief is that, in most cases, people who are emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy will find a desire in their hearts to have children. However, it seems clear to me that some will not have this desire, and that lack of desire may be there by God’s purpose in their life.

2. The Bible makes is clear that children are a blessing from the Lord, so some argue that if you reject God’s blessing (like Esau scorned his birthright or people reject salvation) then you are rejecting God Himself. For this reason, some people, like the Duggar family, who have 21 kids, will not use birth control. My argument against that is that God expects His blessings to be used wisely by us. Food is also a blessing, but the Bible says it’s gluttony to eat without restraint. If it’s OK to say no to food sometimes, it’s OK to say no to kids sometimes, logically. Kids are indeed a blessing, but these verses aren’t commanding you to have kids, they’re simply saying that if you have them, understand that they were gifted to you by God and value them accordingly.

3. Paul told Timothy 1 Timothy 5:14 “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” But what was the sin he was speaking against in this case? He was not calling singleness, nor childlessness, a sin. He was concerned because these young women were acting as gossips and busybodies, stirring up trouble and disunity, and he was telling Timothy, “They need to be busy with something productive in their lives.”

4. There is a cultural aspect. In group-oriented societies, especially where there isn’t much in the way of social security or retirement savings, adult children are expected to care for the elderly. So putting in the hard work of raising responsible children is like what we do in America in setting aside funds for our retirement. It’s work and a sacrifice, but by doing so, you are the wise steward that God called all of us to be, and are not a drain on society in your aged years. Interestingly, even in America often the reason people don’t want kids is because they don’t want to put the work into raising them (saying “I wouldn’t be a good parent” meaning, “I’m not willing to deny my own desires and comfort to raise a child”) and they expect tax-payer money (i.e. the rest of society) to support them in a comfortable way when they’re old. So there is a moral element in that attitude, and that’s where the sin lies, a refusal to be self-disciplined, to make sacrifices and to work as God told us to.

5. Some people have good reasons for not having children. If there is a marriage with active alcoholism, domestic violence, mental illness, a really unstable marriage, or such extreme poverty that there’s not enough food for the people already in the family, I would advise those couples not to have kids until the issue was taken care of. Proverbs calls us to be wise and take an accounting before we embark on a project, and although there is no such thing as a problem-free home, there are families in which the problems are serious enough to have a very high likelihood of harming the child, at least emotionally.

6. Some people choose to have children for very sinful reasons. They do it to collect welfare, or to try to make the man stay with them when they’re not married, or to be the center of attention etc, and not because they love God or the child.

My conclusion is that having or not having children is not in itself the moral issue. It’s the reason why you make your choice that has a moral element. Everything we do should be for the glory of God. If a couple decided not to have kids because they are called to travel all over the world evangelizing and it wouldn’t be good to leave the child behind with relatives all the time, then I believe God would be pleased with their choice (it’s a situation like Paul’s). Other couples might find that having children opens doors for them to witness that they wouldn’t otherwise have (like our friend Vickie who is the only Christian mom at her daughter’s pre-school, and witnesses to the other moms).

This is what I think:
A. As in everything, believers should seek God’s will in the matter, and ask Him to guide the desires of their heart in His direction.
B. One must not only ask, “Should we have kids, God?” But also, “When?” God’s answer may not be super clear. He may simply work through the person’s desires or through common-sense circumstances.
C. There is nothing wrong with longing for children and asking God for them (like Hannah), nor is there anything wrong with not wanting children, those are just feelings. But one should also ask God to reveal any wrong motives that might be there, and He will be faithful to do that if it’s a problem.

Posted in Intercultural Romance, Love & Relationships

How to Have a Terrible Wedding

Posted on by Anna
Maybe you’ve been to one, or maybe you yourself have had one.  Either way, most of us at some time have had the experience of attending a wedding which turned out to be a very uncomfortable (if not completely terrible) event.  Many married couples all around the world did not enjoy their wedding day at all, but instead found it hectic and stressful.  I’ve met several brides who ended their wedding in tears of frustration.  Couples expect their wedding to be a magical experience, and it so often turns out to be an incredibly uncomfortable experience instead, much to their disappointment.
Many times the people planning the wedding have had no experience in organizing any kind of event before, and that’s what can make it a huge stressor.  It’s handy to hire a wedding planner, but that option may be out of the price range of many couples.   I’ve also met couples who couldn’t afford to pay for their own wedding, so their parents obliged and took on the expenses…but no one in the family handled the planning well and it lead to problems.
I’ve noticed certain patterns in the way many people plan their wedding which sets it up for potential disaster.  Many of them stem from expectations or preconceived ideas of “how a wedding ought to be,” which turn out to be impracticable when the day comes.  However, if you avoid these mistakes, your wedding will likely end up being good time for you, your spouse and your guests.
Here is a list of twelve mistakes to avoid:

 

1). Marrying someone who is a very bad match for you.

Firstly, if you’re having doubts about the person you’re marrying, that’s the most obvious way to cause stress and tension within yourself and your wedding party.  Postpone the wedding if you have any doubts, even if your wedding is about to start in a few hours or less.  As marriage is a covenant, It’s better to have one painful breakup than a lifetime of heartache.
2). Posting your engagement on social media before you tell your close friends and family.
This is super tacky, but I have known people who did this.  Sharing an important life-changing event with your friends and family will make them understand how much you truly love them and want to include them in your life.  If you don’t tell your loved ones personally that you’re engaged before you make a public announcement, you’ll create in them a sense of broken trust.
3). Not praying while planning your wedding.
God is the one who should lead you into a life-long relationship.  He’s the one you must seek to bring you joy throughout the ups and downs of your life together.  If you don’t pray for guidance in choosing a spouse, and don’t pray for help in arranging your ceremony then I promise you, your wedding will not be the picture of heaven you were aiming for.  So be sure to pray over the whole event, alone and with your spouse-to-be.
4). Not communicating.
Communication is key in any relationship, so be sure to communicate with your sweetheart and ask what their needs and desires are.  This is not just YOUR wedding, it’s your spouse’s and your wedding.  Ask your fiance(e) what decorations they want, what drinks you should serve, what music to play, etc, and do your best to compromise.  Conversely, if your spouse-to-be is making wedding arrangements which disappoint you, be sure tell them what you really want.  Resentment will build and fester between you if you don’t start off your marriage with clear communication.
If you are a parent paying for a wedding, it will show a great deal of additional kindness to your children if you ask them what they want for their wedding, keep to a budget, and don’t feel the need to impress your peers.   Likewise, children should be sure to graciously communicate with their parents their desires, without being taking advantage of them.
5). Being strictly traditional.
If something is customary, don’t it solely for that reason!  If it’s expensive, if it’s an ungodly ritual, if it makes you uncomfortable and no one enjoys it, don’t do it simply because, “it’s tradition!”  Skipping over traditions you dislike will make your wedding more simple, easy-going and enjoyable.
6). Trying to please everyone.
If you’re taking every suggestion from your parents, your in-laws, your friends, your coworker’s cousin’s brother, it will suck the joy out of your event.  There’s no way you can please everyone, so in the end, just aim for having a wedding which you and your spouse will enjoy.
7). Making your wedding complicated and lavish.
Instead of inviting “everyone and their mothers,” downsize as much as possible and invite close friends and family only.  Keep things simple: your wedding will only last a day and you shouldn’t spend all of your money, time and energy on this one event.  Leave money for your honeymoon, and don’t be stuck with debt afterwards.
8). Being picky and demanding.
Chill, be flexible and don’t panic when things don’t go as planned.  Such large social events as weddings seldom go as planned, so it’s best not to be perfectionistic about it.  Just enjoy what it is and roll with it!  Don’t be a “Bridezilla.” (Or a “Groomzilla!”)
9). Making it difficult for guests.
There are some common things couples do which makes the wedding strenuous or uncomfortable for their guests.  Make sure of the following things:
– If you want all of your family and friends to come, then don’t make the location of the ceremony  thousands of miles away from your hometown.
– If you’re planning an outdoor wedding don’t schedule it at the hottest or coldest time of the year!
– Keep the ceremony and reception short, and provide food if at all possible.
10). Serving lots of alcohol (especially if some of your guests are alcoholic).
Many people feel serving alcohol is an essential part of a wedding celebration, however wisdom is needed in doing so.  Common “wedding-drama” is due to one or more of the guests having a drunken outburst.  Consider serving other classy, non-alcoholic drinks such as kombucha, iced tea or fresh fruit juices.
11). Not pausing for snack breaks during your photo shoot.
Hungry bride = cranky bride.  Need I say more?
12). Having sex on your wedding night just because “it’s what’s expected.”
Intercourse will be most pleasurable if you’re both feeling relaxed and turned-on, but on your wedding night you and/or your spouse may possibly feel tired from the events of “the big day.”  Communicate ahead of time with your spouse and discuss if you want to have sex right away, or if you’d rather simply cuddle or relax.  Remember that this is your marriage and you’re under no obligation regarding what you and your spouse do on your wedding night; it’s yours to enjoy.
People have told me that Indian weddings are chaotic, but ours was relatively simple, laid-back and a lot of fun.  I actually thought our wedding was perfect, and I enjoyed the whole event.  I attribute this mostly to God’s grace and the miraculous blessings He poured out upon us at that time.  He provided for us in amazing ways!  I also give credit to my husband’s wonderful organizational skills and our ability to communicate with each other.
Your wedding day is important, but not as important as the rest of your life together.  It’s important to keep that in mind while planning for your wedding.  If you avoid all the mistakes listed and things still go awry, do not fret!  Your wedding day is not the only day you’ll be married.  You have your honeymoon and the rest of your life together to enjoy and make precious memories — and that’s far more important than a one-day event, however glamorous.