“‘Am I compromising too much of myself to be here?
That is the BIG question.
Am I letting these new cultures, traditions and expectations cut me off from my own heritage, my own culture and the way I usually do things?
Moving to another country (whether it be for love or just simply because you wanted to) is an adventure, to say the least. You will undoubtedly feel every emotion from surreal happiness to pure confusion. However, despite what some travel bloggers lead you to believe; it’s not always fun and it’s certainly not always easy.'”
The pressure to conform to society, yet not knowing how. The drive for independence, without the knowledge of how to do simple tasks. The conflicting desires to “fit in,” yet to stand out and be yourself. The grief of sensing that the life you once lived and the person you once were are now dead and buried.
While all of our situations are unique, these are all common feelings we may experience when we move to a new country. When you move into a foreign culture you may feel pressure to act like everyone else in the region you live. You may have your friends (or in-laws) constantly nagging you to cook food exactly a certain way, dress a certain way, behave a certain way, etc. This will be especially true if you are a woman, as women tend to be flexible and relational, and thus are expected to always accommodate to other’s needs above their own. This almost inevitably results in what is termed, “cultural stress.”
Northwestern University lists the following symptoms of cultural stress:
- Exhaustion, fatigue or changes to your appetite.
- Major concern over small health problems.
- Increased use of alcohol or drugs.
- Craving things from home (food, amenities, etc.) and homesickness.
- Strong desire to interact only with students on your program or non-locals.
- Fits of anger and frustration or depression alternating with elation.
- Superior attitude toward host nationals. You find yourself complaining about and criticizing everything.
- Feelings of rejection, isolation, and loneliness.
- Feeling like a child. [2]
We see ourselves becoming angrier and more despondent. We become discouraged by our health issues. We look back with pining on when we were independent and could run errands on our own, but now we feel like a little kid who’s unable to do anything right. We may go through some or all of these feelings, and that’s only natural. Like grief, the stress and sense that we’ve lost who we once were are emotional and psychological process which we need to go through in order to process our experiences.
It’s normal to have a sense of grief over the loss of your former life. I asked some experienced American expats who are married interculturally to share with me what has helped them regain a sense of identity in their husband’s culture.
Crista writes:
1). Surrender has been a big one. Surrendering everything and all of me. Still working on it. Every time I think I’ve surrendered completely the Lord shows me another thing.
2). Remembering my calling. How God brought me here and what He spoke during that time.
3). Accepting myself for who I am. Not perfect by any means but made in His image.
4). Choosing my battles as wisely as possible. There are things in this culture I just accept, there’s no use arguing or fighting them. But talking with my husband about the things that are important to me and why. It took years but he finally understood that I’m not judging others but need some control over my environment and the way we as a family do things.
5). Since I have known, even before I came to [my host country], that God was planting me here for life it was much easier to let go of my American-ness. I’ve immersed myself in [my host culture] and spend very little time elsewhere. This one thing has helped more than almost everything else. It has helped me understand the culture here and find my place and myself in it.
Sue writes:
I remember an experience sometime our first year, when I literally grieved the loss of who I was. I sat locked in our bedroom and visualized myself actually conducting a funeral for me and for my old life
….throw the debit card in the casket, throw the independence in the casket, toss my keys in, my career, the coffee shops from home that I missed….
Everything I could think of. When I couldn’t cry anymore, I got up and headed to the kitchen to get some water and I remember the spot where the words came to me so CLEARLY, “Raised to walk in newness of life.” That was the turning point for me.
NOW what I struggle with is that all my identity is wrapped up in my life and work here [in my host country]. I go back to the USA and feel like I don’t belong there. My fear is that if we ever had to leave or if my husband ever died, I would lose all of my identity and my whole sense of purpose for living.
I should add, 20 years later, I like the new me much more than I like the old one. I like what God has made me here. It was fascinating for me when I attended a conference. They had sessions focused on grief – and a grief counselor traveling with them – because they say that women living abroad do not typically grieve their losses; they bury them or ignore them or deny them, and the loss festers and comes out unidentified as buried grief, until the women recognize it and grieve it.
There were a couple of things that were HUGE for me:
1) My husband repeatedly told me that if he wanted a [national] wife he would have married one. Whew! So he encouraged me to stop trying to be something I can never be. HUGE!
2) I didn’t realize what my whole transition those first months meant to my kids until some other American women moved here. We were going to one of their homes for lunch and I came out of the bedroom wearing jeans. My kids (6 and 8) were ECSTATIC – “Wow! We have our American Mom back! Please, Mommy, don’t let her go away again!” In the end what the Master made here was one who lived both lives and roles equally, although I would say I have gravitated more back to my American roots the longer I have been here. I drive, find places by myself, take off by myself on the scooter for long drives along the beach…and in my daily life feel like the same American woman I do in the USA.
HOWEVER, when we are out and about here, or I am interacting with [locals], I am very different. No one here knows me apart from our team. They don’t know my opinions or have a clue really about who I am at my core. That doesn’t matter to me anymore (and I’m not sure why).
Finally, getting through menopause helped! I don’t care as much about a lot of things that I just to care about (pleasing people, caring what anyone thinks about what I wear, etc.) I embrace who I am a lot more freely on this side….and embrace the struggles that made me who I am now.
Every individual will find unique things which help help them in each stage of cultural stress as they regain a sense of identity and belonging. There are common things which most people find helpful. The following is what Northwestern University recommends regarding internal and physical supports:
Internal support:
- Understand the stages of cultural adjustment
- Analyze your situations and reactions
- Identify what helps you manage stress
- Identify new ways of thinking positively
Physical support:
- Eat healthily and get plenty of rest
- Identify any weaknesses (e.g. alcohol abuse, binge eating) and make plans to manage them
- Bring a sufficient supply of necessary medications
- Take any “can’t live without” toiletries with you [2]
Social support will also be fundamental in your adjustment process:
- Schedule times for keeping in touch with your friends in family in your country of origin. Video calling can be a great help.
- Seek out fellow expats, especially those from your own country who have things in common with you. Facebook is a great way for networking and finding groups of foreigners.
- Seek out national friends and groups who share your interests. Push yourself to step out, even when you feel shy. Consider joining a social club or taking a class to find like-minded friends.
- Find healthy outlets for expressing yourself creatively. You may find such an outlet in your job or in a hobby.
- Set goals which will help you adapt to life in your host country such as, “get a driver’s license,” or, “take a language class.”
• “Actually learning about the new country traditions and where they came from.
The more you understand, the easier it will be to decide if these cultures/traditions have a place in your life.
• Reminding yourself of your own heritage.
You don’t have to lose where you have come from to be proud of where you are now.
• Making it your own.
This could mean selling your possessions or even moving your pets to the new country with you! I know Belgium never really felt like home until
my cat made the journey with me.”
[1]
A note to readers with foreign spouses: it’s important that you give your spouse plenty of freedom and encouragement to be them self and express them self according to their culture. Just as Sue’s husband observed, you have chosen to marry someone from another culture and it’s important to accept them for who they are.
Maybe you’re returning to your passport country after having been settled overseas and your “home” is no longer in your country of origin. You may be surprised to find yourself going through this adjustment process all over again, even if you grew up in your passport country. The same steps will still apply, and it’s possible to seek a “reentry counselor” to help you cope.
While the process may take many years, ideally as long-term expats we will reach a point where we have a sense of identity, competence and belonging in our culture of origion as well as in our host culture.
As Jamiee Nicole also wisely stated,
“The REAL test of moving to another country is finding a balance that makes you feel like you embody both cultures and both countries; because both places can be equally important to you.”
[1]
Questions for readers:
- If you are or have been an expatriate for an extended amount of time, have you undergone any of the experiences or emotions mentioned in this blog post?
- Have you ever worried about “losing yourself” in your host culture?
- What has helped you deal with cultural stress?
Sources:
Anna Sojourning 