Your word is a lamp to my feet
    and a light to my path.

-Psalm 119:105

In my blog post, “Can Women Lead and Teach?” I explored the question of whether or not it’s biblical for women to lead and teach in church. Another related question which I would like to explore is the question of whether or not a woman can be the pastor of a church.

There are those who hold a complementation view (that ministry roles differ by gender) and those who hold an egalitarian view (that there should be equal ministry opportunity for both genders). Those who hold either view are frequently people who respect women and who back up their beliefs with scripture.

Many God-fearing Bible scholars will state that they simply don’t know one way or another.

Within the Trinity there is hierarchy with Jesus, the Son, submitting to the will of the Father. God instituted hierarchies in relationships here on earth as well to help us understand Him better. He commissioned husbands to lead their families. And, I will clarify, leading them means empowering them and giving them a voice as well as sacrificing himself for them. This is the ideal anyway. If a husband is incompetent, has some sort of personality disorder or has some physical or mental disability, etc., then it should stand to reason that the wife will step into the role of primary leader.

A church is like a family and men often naturally rise to leadership. 1 Timothy 3 details the requirements for church leadership and deacons. The only thing, however, which indicates that church leaders and deacons should be male is the statement that they “should be the husband of one wife.” Many use that expression to back their belief that only men should be pastors. This phrase, however, is used idiomatically. There was a deacon named Phoebe who Paul greets in the last chapter of Romans, and she, we can safely assume, was not a husband, nor did she have a wife!

This may then imply that women may also be called by God to lead churches as long as they have a stable, loving home life which glorifies God.

I don’t claim to have all the answers to these difficult questions, but my prayer is that the Holy Spirit helps me to understand His word and share with others what I’ve found.

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Sources:

https://margmowczko.com/pauls-qualifications-for-church-leaders/

https://www.gci.org/articles/women-pastors/

HarperCollins announced that they are pulling books by Ravi Zachariahs in light of the late apologist’s alleged sex crimes. [1]

When I first heard of the atrocities committed by this intellectual I admired, I didn’t want to believe the accusations. I was deeply grieved when I read that RZIM had conducted an investigation and found undeniable evidence that Ravi Zachariahs had indeed molested and abused numerous women, including a hidden stash of lewd photos. [2] He was also found to have spent money that had been set aside for humanitarian work on massage therapists (many of whom he subsequently abused). He actions were undeniably appalling, and it’s hard for me to address this subject without getting emotional.

He was an influential Christian apologist. Countless people looked up to Ravi Zachariahs, myself included. I remember years ago attending a conference where he was speaking. A very young boy was in attendance, and it was his birthday. He had wanted nothing more than to meet Ravi Zachariahs in person. I remember him calling the boy onstage and greeting him, much to the child’s great awe and delight. I wonder now where that boy is and what he thinks of his childhood hero. My heart breaks for the victims of Ravi. I also wonder what kind of nightmare the Zachariahs family must be living in, and my prayers go out to them.

I dare say the biggest mistake RZIM made as a ministry was making “RZ” their poster child instead of making Christ the most important figure. This is a perfect environment for cultivating spiritual abuse and gaslighting. In such atmospheres, anyone who criticizes a leader or questions his behavior is then demonized. When women had brought complaints against Ravi Zachariahs while he was still living, the allegations were swept aside instead of being investigated.

1 John 1:8 says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” There is a story I heard which goes like this: a man is praying and reading his Bible. Inspired by Noah’s faith, he asks God to help him to be like Noah.

God says, “Noah drank too much and made a fool of himself. Do you want to be a drunkard?”

The man, taken aback, rethinks his prayer and says, “Then make me like Abraham.”

God remind him, “Abraham had sex with a young slave girl.”

The man says, “Then make me like Moses…”

God reminds him of the murder committed by Moses. The man thinks of every hero of the Bible, and God reminds him of every sin each one committed. Finally the man says, “Then make me like Jesus.”

God answers, “Now you understand!”

I think of David, the King who coerced a married woman into having sex with him and then murdered her husband (2 Samuel 11). Even godly people we admire and look up to are capable of unspeakable evil because every human heart has been corrupted by sin. David, however, lived before the Holy Sprit dwelled within us as Christians, and so David wasn’t born again. Even so, he repented and showed deep grief and remorse when the prophet Nathan boldly rebuked him for his actions.

Carson Weitnauer was brought to Christ after Ravi Zachariahs personally witnessed to him. Weitnauer became a member of RZIM and wrote an article detailing the differences between King David and Ravi Zachariahs. [3] He speaks of how these two men were given different commissions in the first place and had very different responses when confronted about their sins. Weitnauer goes on to say

“My prayer is that this scandal will be an opportunity for self-examination. This is a good time to humble ourselves before God, cherish the sweetness of his grace in our own hearts, and be vulnerable about our sin with trusted friends. Sadly, Ravi’s life now testifies even more loudly that sin has a terrible price.”

As Christians, we must be honest and speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:25). It’s vital that we remain humble and let our ministry flow from a Christ-centered life and personal, loving relationship with God rather than try to sanctify ourselves by our own good deeds.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” -Ephesians 2:8-9

In his article, “A Catastrophic Betrayal,” Carson Weitnauer states how he believes RZIM should respond,

“As Jesus took the unpleasant and unpopular step to expose hypocritical leaders, so we must not silence those who tell us the truth about Ravi’s egregious abuses. Instead, RZIM must change its name, remove Ravi’s material, repent for its many failures, and provide a restorative response to the harm that Ravi’s victims experienced. The depth of complicity by the board and senior leadership in this cover-up must be clearly established. Finally, an organization with credibility in the survivor community must be hired to do a thorough assessment of the organization and its culture, and their proposals for reform will need to be implemented.

If they want to avoid following RZIM’s example, Christian ministries and churches should rigorously evaluate how their systems and culture could prevent them from personally experiencing this crisis. May God give us the clarity and courage we need to become faithful advocates for the survivors of abuse — and to deter such abuse from occurring in the future. ” [4]

As for the rest of us, should we burn Ravi Zachariahs’ books? Reading a book written by him now will be hard for me as the dark shadow of his crimes taints his words. However he was a man who knew a lot, and I think there is still much to be learned from his talks and writings. God has used even secular people for his glory, and there are many books we can learn from which were written by people who never claimed Christianity in the first place.

God uses everything for His glory. I give praise to Him that He’s able to do good for the world through even a dysfunctional ministry such as RZIM. Just imagine the amazing things He could do through a Christ-centered ministry or an individual who possessed true humility.

I pray earnestly that more ministry leaders in future will really, truly understand that there is forgiveness in Christ and that they can come to Him with their sins. 1 John 1:9-10 says,

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”

Every single one of us struggles with sin, but God loves us and doesn’t want us to hide from Him in shame. I pray that, like King David, we will turn to God and repent honestly, knowing that God will be faithful to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I also pray that all of us will be blessed with godly friends who will bravely speak truth to us that way Nathan did and hold us accountable. Ministry must flow from a God-centered personal life, and the Holy Spirit is the only one capable of transforming us into worthy vessals to be used by God for His glory.

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Sources:

[1] https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2021/february/ravi-zacharias-books-harper-collins-lee-strobel-rzim-report.html

[2] https://www.rzim.org/read/rzim-updates/board-statement

[3] https://reasonsforgod.org/was-ravi-zacharias-like-king-david/

[4] https://reasonsforgod.org/a-catastrophic-betrayal/

“Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength… It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less.”

–Charles Spurgeon [1]

 

“At one point, I was a youth pastor, professional sign language interpreter, wedding photographer, radio host, husband, and father – in that order…” Steve Austin said in his Huffington post article, “I figured my wife must be so proud. Look at all I was doing for the church! Yet, in having no personal boundaries, I was building walls. I was keeping the people who loved me the most at a distance. I didn’t know it was okay, and even appropriate, to tell others, ‘no.’ To schedule a day off. To turn off my phone. To spend my evening with the ones who longed for my affection and attention more than I could possibly understand.
Eventually, the stress was more than I could bear, and I tried to kill myself.” [2]

 

What is the difference between selfishness and self-care?  Is it OK for Christian ministers to take vacations, or to do things just for fun?

 

Many secular people put a priority on doing whatever makes them happy.  Many who don’t like a relationship or a situation will leave.  They’ll spend all their energy and resources on self-indulgence.  Religious people, on the other hand, often practice self-denial to the point of exhausting themselves and completely burning out.
Steve Austin’s story is, unfortunately, a very common one.  There is a dangerous and unbiblical idea carried among many communities of Christian ministers (although usually it’s carried subconsciously).   That idea is that the more we give, serve and minister, the more valuable we are.  What we sometimes believe is giving is, in reality, us doing things to achieve a sense of self-worth.  Countless ministers neglect their health, their family and even their relationship with God in order to serve and minister.

We must understand that self-care is not selfishness and it’s important for us to know the difference.  At times, it’s undeniably hard to discern the difference, and that’s why we need the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom.  Twice so far my husband and I have taken time to vacation in Thailand at a Christian retreat center called, “The Juniper Tree.”  This retreat center aims to refresh expats and ministers, and gets its name from this passage in 1 Kings 19:

1 Kings 19:1-8 (ESV)
Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.  Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.”  Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”  And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.”  And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again.  And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”  And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

 

(The broom tree in verse 5 is also called a juniper tree in other translations.  Here’s to knowing your biblical shrubs. 🙂 )

 

We as Christians have faced some (if not all) of what Elijah faced at one time or another.  Depression, discouragement physical exhaustion, persecution are things many of us have experienced.  Elijah just wanted to die, and many of us can relate to that.  But the Lord didn’t tell him, “Why are you talking like that?  Don’t be a whiny baby!  You’re a man of God — you should be stronger!”
Instead, God allowed him to sleep under a juniper tree.  And God didn’t simply give him a break, He actually sent an angel to feed him and encourage him.  The angel said, “The journey is too great for you,” so we see here that God was compassionate and empathetic to Elijah and understood that he had limitations as a human.  Instead of pushing Elijah farther, He allowed him to be refreshed and nourished before he continued on his journey.

Jesus also took time away from His ministry for self-care.  Luke 5:15-16 says, “But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.”
Jesus Himself understood the importance of taking time to be alone with The Father, rest and pray to have His soul fed.
Self-care is a responsibility.  Jesus said to, “love your neighbor as yourself,” and I think that also means that you should, “love yourself just as you love your neighbor.”  What if you loved yourself in the same way you would love another person important to you?  You would not pour all of your resources into another person, because that would be like worshiping them.  But then of course if you love this person you will do your best to meet their needs.

Even those who sacrifice themselves for the gospel and face heavy persecution may still practice self-care to an extent and find peace by using what God gives them.  It’s scary and seemingly impossible to rest in the Lord during these hard times.  However Jesus promised in in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  Chinese evangelist Brother Yun experienced the power of the Holy Spirit after he was beaten and imprisoned in Myanmar.  In his book, “Living Water,”  Brother Yun writes,

“It is easy to be deceived when we place ministry in a higher position than it ought to be.  Even when I was burned out and giving stale messages, people were still applauding me, even though I was operating outside of the fresh anointing of th Holy Spirit.  We can trick ourselves into thinking everything is all right, because the people seem to be blessed by what we have to say.  One day I was boarding an airplane to go to my next series of meetings when the Lord clearly told me, ‘I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  Remember the height from which you have fallen!  Repent and do the things you did at first.  If you do not repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place.’ (Rev. 2:4-5)
The Lord saw that I needed a rest, and He arranged it in a way that only He could.  I was arrested in the nation of Myanmar, beaten and sentenced to even years in prison because of my disobedience to the Holy Spirit.  In prison, the Lord showed me that my life was getting out of control and I needed to slow down.  This was the second time He allowed me to have a holiday in prison while I learned to renew my relationship with the Lord Jesus.
After I left China, I discovered that pastors in the West have Mondays off and go on summer holidays every year.  In China the believers have no opportunity to take holidays, so the Lord graciously becomes our travel agent and books us in for a much-needed rest at a prison.” [3]

 

Brother Yun experienced God’s promise in Exodus 33:14, “And he said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'” Although he was imprisoned, he took his terrible circumstance as an opportunity to rest in the Lord.  God soon blessed his humble heart and allowed him to be released from prison early.    Many of us, however, have freedom and easy opportunities to take time off from our work and ministry — and it’s very important that we do so.  Resting in the Lord and practicing self-care forces us to remember that we cannot control the world, nor can we save the world by our works, because we are only human.  Practicing self-care and resting allows us to say, “God, I have limitations.  I can’t be there for everyone all the time, so I trust you to take care of all the work which I am unable to do.” This is the reason God told His people to take a Sabbath, and it wasn’t just a suggestion — it was a command!  (See Exodus 20:8-11 and Deuteronomy 5:12-15.)

 

We don’t live to make ourselves happy, and Christianity will certainly take us far outside of our comfort zone.  But we’re to be stewards of our time, our money, and of ourselves.  We must take care of ourselves to be at our best in God’s kingdom.  It’s no sin to accept any gift or opportunity for a vacation which God has given you.

 

So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God,  for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.
Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.
— Hebrews 4:9-11

 

 

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Sources:

[1] Spurgeon, Charles. The Minister’s Fainting Fits, Lectures to My Students, Lecture XI, 1856.
[2] Austin, Steve. “3 Examples of Self-Care in the Bible.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 18 Nov. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-austin/3-examples-of-selfcare-in_b_13073572.html.
[3] Yun, Brother. “The Person God Uses.” Living Water, edited by Paul Hattaway, Ndervan, 2008, pp. 68–69.

Psalm 95:6-7

“Oh come, let us worship and bow down;

    let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

For he is our God,

    and we are the people of his pasture,

    and the sheep of his hand…”

We don’t have a whole lot of shepherds in the urban city where my husband and I live.  However in the outskirts of town occasionally I see boys herding livestock across the road, resulting in rather comical traffic blockage for at least couple minutes.  One thing seems clear about shepherds; they don’t leave their flocks unattended.  They keep their eyes ever watchful on their animals to make sure no harm befalls them.  If one strays away, of course they’ll round it up and bring it back into the flock.

Christians, especially those of us in leadership-type positions in ministry, see ourselves as shepherds of our congregation.  Just as Ephesians 4:11-12 says, “And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ.”  The word “pastor” even originates from the Latin word for shepherd.  As Christians, we are called to love the church, feed each other from The Word and be united…however that doesn’t always happen.  The reason is simple: we are human.

Ministers have a deep sense of responsibility to their congregation, as they should, but that can create a heavy burden if taken too far.  I’ve heard pastors talk about how disappointed they feel when they’ve invested so much into an individual or family in the church who ends up leaving.  Ministers sometimes have a vague sense of betrayal when a team member or layperson leaves to become involved in another ministry.  Why?  We feel “our flock” needs to stick with us and stick together.  If they don’t, then we have failed as ministers.

But ultimately, we can’t control others or circumstances.  Sometimes despite our best efforts, Christians have fights and falling-outs.  Sometimes God will lead our team members to new places and new areas in ministry which we don’t understand.  We don’t always have the ability to “leave the ninety-nine,” for the one who’s left or gone astray.  That’s God’s job.  God is the one who is supposed to pursue us individually, and even with the best possible ministry team, a person will not grow in their walk with God unless He helps them and works in their heart.

Philippians 1:6 

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

 

This is important to know on a family level as well.  We may be discouraged if we see our husbands sinning or making unwise decisions, and it’s even more frustrating if they won’t listen to our feedback.  Even if we’re sure we’re right about an issue, persistently repeating the same advice or criticism will quickly become nagging, which will only make things worse.  It’s not our job to change our husbands; it’s our job to pray for them and to encourage them, graciously and humbly, in their walk with God.  Allow God to make your husband the man the Lord wants Him to be.

The same thing goes for our children.  God may give us a husband, children, team members…but they’re all gifts.  We don’t own anyone and we can’t shepherd the way God can.  While we’re called to encourage and be like Christ, we must also humbly keep in mind that He is the chief shepherd.

1 Peter 5:4-6

“And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.  Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,”

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In ministry do you see yourself as an apostle, a prophet, an evangelist, a shepherd  or a teacher?

Have you ever felt hurt by anyone leaving after you’d been ministering to them?

In what ways has God reminded you of His authority?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

–Proverbs 3:5-6

I heard a pastor once preach a sermon titled, “Take it Easy.”  In it he stressed the importance of having periods of rest when needed.  Being lazy is not the same thing as taking rest.  Being lazy and procrastinating will just make you feel more anxious in the long run.

We think that the work and ministry we do is so critical to the upkeep of our little world that if we pause to take a break or get some sleep, everything will fall apart.  We feel we must be a savior to our world.  But even Christ Jesus who truly was the savior of the world took breaks periodically to refresh Himself.

To think that the work we do is so critical that we can never take a break from it is really to say that the work we’re doing is more important than God’s, and that He’s not big enough to care for us.  That’s why the old testament took took the sabbath so seriously.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

–Proverbs 17:22

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that there is always something we can worry about.  To rest in the Lord and give it over to Him is a continual exercise which I must practice.  Something I will do is thing of the worse case scenario and tell my heart why my situation will be ok because I’m in Christ and God is in control.

When we’re getting ready for a vacation we tend to worry less and less about things happening at home or work.  On some level we’ll feel, “Oh, the copy machine stopped working?  Eh.  Hopefully someone will fix it.”  “So-and-so is being annoying.  Well, that’s ok, I won’t have to deal with them for much longer.”

When we’re looking forward to our upcoming trip our problems at home don’t matter so much.  As heavenly-minded Christians we’re always just a short time away from the trip we were made for.  Thus focusing on Heaven and the love of God makes the hardships of this world seem bearable.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

–Isaiah 40:30-31

Whether you’re a pastor or a layman, virtually all of us at some point or another have been hurt by a church group in some way.  We may have been victims of differing kinds of abuse.  We may have experienced being let down, betrayed or lied to.

1: When you’ve been burned by the church and how to handle it.

Over the course of my life I have become acquainted with many church groups, and well, some members of said groups have utterly infuriated me, to be frank.  When talking to some, I have had to suppress the urge to use language a pastor’s wife should probably not use.

It often comes as a shock to us when this happens within the church, especially from leadership. We think, “You guys are THE BRIDE OF CHRIST!  Why don’t you &*@%#*^@ act like it?” (Oh, there’s that language pastor’s wives shouldn’t use.)

I could use the clichés of “no church is perfect,” “you have to let it go and reconcile,” “stop being bitter,” but I haven’t found such advice really practically helpful in the midst of serious heartache and messy relationships.  Saying these things to someone who’s been really, truly burned by a church is like kind of like saying to someone who’s been stabbed in the chest, “Just ignore the pain and move on.  And stop bleeding, you’re going to stain the sidewalk!”

Let me remind you that all believers are part of a worldwide body called The Church, but that of course we meet in church groups, some bigger, some smaller.  There is a difference between referring to, “the church” and, “a church.”

So why do some church-goers act so terribly?

It boils down to people easily falling into the trap of selfishness.  Relationships will enviably fail when we don’t put up healthy boundaries and put our desires before the needs of others.

Certainly not everyone who attends church or claims to be a Christian is mature emotionally, or is mature in their faith.  Maybe someone who hurt you at church is a new Christian or is actually not yet a Christian.

What’s hardest is when it’s a church leader who is doing the damage.  In Hebrews 13:17 it says, “Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority.”  Spiritually abusive leaders will use this verse to say something to the effect of, “God has given me authority over you; thus, to disobey me is to disobey God.” But in Ephesians 1:22 it is said of Jesus, “And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church.”

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

—Ephesians 5:25-27

 

Christ loves The Church as a good husband loves his wife.  It says in Ephesians 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Our real enemy is Satan, and he has been launching an attack against the Bride of Christ since  The Church began.  It makes him unspeakably angry to see God’s children acting as vessels of the Holy Spirit, and he knows if he can bait believers against each other he’ll win a great victory.

2:  When the issue lies with you.

I have known several people who won’t go to church, or will “church hop,” because they just can’t seem to find a church where people aren’t “hypocrites” or “fake” or “living in sin.”

People will hurt you anywhere you go, in any setting, spiritual or secular.  Is the number of hurtful people in your church greater than the number of hurtful people in any other close-knit group of humans?

Maybe you do go to church regularly, or are in ministry, and you are conscious that you have hurt someone out of selfishness.  I know I have!  It’s very hard to admit to yourself because once you do, you may be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and regret. But God’s wrath towards your sin was poured out upon Jesus at the cross.

3: Forgiveness and Healing.

It’s of the upmost importance that we ask God for an attitude of grace.

Read the last 3 chapters of the gospel of Luke.  Judas wasn’t the only backstabber in Jesus’ 12.  All of them ran away like cowards when Jesus needed them most.  Peter even denied he knew Jesus, yet Jesus was able to reconcile with him and commanded him to be a missionary.

Judas committed suicide because he saw no hope of redemption, so Jesus never had a chance to reconcile with him. But after the resurrection Jesus returned to the remaining 11 disciples, forgave them, and they all ended up becoming passionate apostles for Christ who would later on die for their faith.

This is just one example of God transforming the lives of sinful people.  My point is that God can change biggest morons into saints.  We can’t afford to hold grudges, for that will not benefit anyone, and who knows what God sees in a sinner?  Maybe God will transform their life.  He certainly loves even the worst sinners and desires to redeem them, which is how we all have been saved.

Here are some main keys to healing relationships:

Be Humble: Be always humble, gentle, and patient. Show your love by being tolerant with one another. – Ephesians 4:2

Communicate Well: Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry. – James 1:19

Have Patience: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. – Romans 12:12

When you’ve been hurt by someone:

1. Forgive them, but don’t allow yourself back into the same bad situation.  I would not tell a person who was bitten by a dog to go back to the same dog and pet it.  Forgive the person who hurt you, but henceforth keep healthy boundaries between you and them.
2. Remember that talking about what happened in order to process or seek help is not gossiping.  But choose a very limited number of people and always go back to them as you process over time.  That way you don’t risk gossiping. Choose people who are mature in matters of relationships, the church,  knowledge of Scripture and who will give you a loving but honest perspective, and not just tell you what you want to hear.   If other people are affected by what happened, give them only the details that they need, and in a way aimed to protect them and glorify Christ.  I.e. Don’t sweep things under the rug – deal with things openly – but with the goal of healing and growth, not with the goal of getting everyone on your side and hurting the other person back.
3. Seek reconciliation.  Even if you’ve made the decision to leave a church, if you are able try to reconcile so that you don’t leave on a bad note.

When you’ve hurt someone:

1. Apologize and reconcile with the person you wronged.   If you are able to make things right with the person you wronged and apologize, go and do so.  Whether they forgive you or not is between them and God.
2. Forgive yourself.  This can be the hardest thing to do, but Christ has already forgiven you.
3. Repent and change your ways.  Ask a trusted friend to hold you accountable so that you don’t fall back into the same hurtful behavior.

And most importantly, don’t loose faith in God because of something one of His children did.

 

1 Peter 3:8-11

Suffering for Righteousness’ Sake

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For

“Whoever desires to love life
    and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
    and his lips from speaking deceit;
let him turn away from evil and do good;
    let him seek peace and pursue it.