Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

–Ephesians 4:32

 

We’re created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and since by definition God is love (1 John 4:8), we all have the capacity to love others…Our relationship with God plays the defining role in how we’re able to love others.

For most people, love is a feeling which changes with the tides. But real love is deeper than that. This is because, as 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 explains, love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action. And since the sinful and spiritual sides of our nature are always fighting against each other, love can be a whole lot of work!

It’s our relationship with God that helps us have long-term love for others. After all, 1 John 4:19 reminds us that we can love others, because God first loved us. Also, it’s out of respect and honor for God that we show love to other people

 

Be Kind to One Another

Kindness is found in Paul’s list of the qualities of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-13) and in the fruits of The Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) so we know it’s important. But what defines kindness?

Oxford dictionary of English says kindness means, “The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.” 

Simply put, to be kind is to serve others when you owe them nothing and expect nothing in return. There are some important ways to show kindness to your spouse.

-Learn your spouse’s love language; discover what makes your spouse feel loved. Is your spouse physically affectionate? Give him/her plenty of cuddle time. Does your spouse express love verbally? Tell them often how much you love them. 

-Do helpful things for your spouse such as chores, watching the children or running errands. 

-Take them on a date or outing – just the two of you – and spend time talking about positive things which interest you.

-Sincerely compliment your spouse and thank them for things they do every day.

-This may seem unimportant, but it can make a positive difference; be attractive for your spouse. Practice good self-care and hygiene, buy some pretty underwear, occasionally dress up in clothes your spouse finds attractive. You also will feel a confidence boost as you practice good self-care.

And the point is to do all of these things without asking, “What’s in it for me?” Don’t expect thanks, gratitude or anything in return. Don’t even expect a good feeling; Christians are to show kindness even if we don’t feel like it. 

Kindness will become easier as you learn empathy, and empathy in turn will develop as you look for ways to be kind to your spouse. It’s a blessed, self-feeding cycle!

 

 Be Tenderhearted

Note that some Bible translations use the word, “understanding” in Ephesians 4:32. Simply put, to be tenderhearted or understanding means to be compassionate and empathetic. As Christians we’re called to sympathize with others and see things from their perspective. 

Our differences have the potential to be our biggest strength as a couple.  But first we must learn what it is to be tenderhearted and understanding. Unfortunately, this doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but there are ways to learn and develop understanding. 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. (See Psalm 103:8) Meditate on the ways in which God has shown compassion towards you when you were struggling. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you also will be able to express the same love to your spouse.

There are other things which you may find helpful:

–Try using a Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test to determine your personality and that of your spouse.

–Pray for understanding and tenderheartedness!

So that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,

— Ephesians 4:14-15

I emailed my mother a few weeks ago asking what her thoughts on the subject of marital conflict were. Her response was,

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“Conflict is unpleasant, but it’s not always bad. 

Conflict is simply two people having different desires, beliefs, values or needs. 

No conflict means;

1) the couple isn’t emotionally close enough for their differences to bother them. 

2) one or both of the couple is suppressing a whole lot of themselves in the marriage and resentment will build up.

Handled correctly, conflict can help us grow as we learn to see other’s viewpoints and practice self-control in our behaviors and attitudes towards each other.  It’s only when we respond with things like pride, competitiveness, disrespect, lack of empathy and caring, inadequate communication skills etc. that conflict becomes damaging.”

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Communication and conflict resolution are broad subjects to cover and there are thousands, if not millions, of books and blogs regarding this subject. After extensive reading, I’ve listed some basic skills which are commonly advised by therapists and marriage counselors, as well as some practical things which I’ve found helpful in my marriage.

Good Communication

Good communication can often prevent a conflict before it even starts. Some good rules of thumb are:

1. Never lie under any circumstances. I promise any lie you tell will always come around to bite you in the butt.
2. Don’t assume your spouse knows what you want. Express your desires directly. If your husband didn’t buy you that necklace for your anniversary, it would be silly to get upset if you never told him you wanted it! Your spouse can’t read your mind…unless you married a supposed psychic or prophet. Then that’s a whole other issue…
3. Don’t give the silent treatment or cold shoulder when you’re angry. You’ll just leave your spouse wondering what the issue is.
4. Find a method of communication which works for both of you, even if it’s weird. I communicate better in writing than in speaking, so when I have something deeply emotional I want to talk about with my husband, I will write him a letter or email. He’ll read it, and then we’ll discuss it together. He thought it was weird at first…which it is…but it works for us! Everyone is different, however, so find ways which work well for you and your spouse.

Don’t fear conflict; not all arguments are bad.  They can in fact be constructive in your relationship if you know how to, “Fight Fairly.” Firstly, one important key in any relationship is to rid yourself of arrogance and low self-esteem. We think of them as opposite qualities in a person, but really, they are both forms of self-centeredness, focusing on the self rather than on others around us. and result in the same behaviors, such as not taking responsibility for one’s own actions, blaming others, putting other people down, etc.

It will be difficult, if not impossible, for a person to put into practice “fair fighting” skills if they are focused on themselves rather than on God. I encourage all my readers (and myself) to pray frequently for humility. Remember that you WILL make mistakes; everyone does! However, that does not devalue you in the least, nor do your mistakes define you in Christ Jesus.

In any relationship, conflict can occur when someone’s expectations are unmet.  This is happens even more frequently when the relationship is between two people of differing cultures. 

This is why you must always articulate issues and ideas which are important to you, even if they’re common in your culture.  Don’t assume your spouse will automatically have the same ideas and expectations when it comes to any area of life. Make a list of issues which are very important to you and discuss them with your significant other.

When you are courting, decide what issues are most important to you and what you absolutely cannot compromise on.  If your significant other strongly opposes one of your core beliefs, it may be best to break off the relationship rather than marry.

Some “non-negotiables” should be:

1. Jesus is the center of your life.
2. The Gospel is the only way to salvation.
3. A couple should remain faithful to each other, and that encompasses not flirting with others and not sharing deeply personal things with friends of the opposite sex.
4. Lying and dishonesty are never acceptable.
5. Spouse takes priority over work, ministry and even other family relationships (with the exception of your relationship with God, who should always be the main priority).
6. If you’re courting, it’s with the intent of marrying and not just to play around…!
7. A person who is manipulative or abusive physically, sexually or emotionally is NOT spouse material. (Note: if you are already married to such a person, distance yourself and don’t try to work on the relationship while you’re in an unsafe situation. Separate, get to a safe location and seek counseling.)

 

It’s also good to get to know your spouse’s family before getting married — and very important if you plan on living with them! You’ll get good insight into the values and customs your spouse was raised with that way. There are many challenges intercultural couples meet from the world around them, but conflict and opposition from within the family have potential to tear the marriage apart if not dealt with properly.

As the saying goes, “when you marry a person, you also marry their family.”

That’s why the Bible instructs couples to honor their parents but prioritize their spouse, as their spouse is the one they’ve made a holy covenant with.

 

 

Important Things to Discuss

 

I found a list titled 100 Questions Before Marriage, by Marcelina Hardy which was very comprehensive. Most of the following questions I took from that list and added a few of my own. These are very important things to discuss with your fiance(e) before getting married. However, if you are already married and have not yet gone over these questions with your spouse, it may be good to do so now. Following this list there are words of wisdom for you and your spouse if you come to a hard disagreement on an important issue.

 

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Family Values and Beliefs

• What’s the purpose of marriage?
• Which is more important; work, ministry, family or God?
• Who takes priority, your spouse or your parents?
• What are your political views?
• Who will make the biggest decisions of the household?
• What would you do if someone said something bad about me?
• Would you follow the advice of your family before your spouse?
• What do you believe the role of a wife is?
• What do you believe the role of a husband is?
• Who should do household chores?

 

 About the Relationship

• What are your career aspirations?
• Where do you want to live?
• Would you mind moving if I had to relocate with my job?
• What would you like to be doing five or ten years from now?
• What do you think is the best way to keep the love alive in a marriage?
• How would you like to spend special days, such as anniversaries?
• What is your biggest fear about marriage?
• What excites you about getting married?
• What do wedding rings mean to you?
• What do you think would improve our relationship?
• What would be one thing you would change about our relationship?
• Do you have any doubts about the future of our relationship?
• Do you believe love can pull you through anything?

Dealing with Conflict

• What is your view of how men can express anger, and how women can express anger (these might be different in some cultures)? 
• How do you express anger? 
• Is it OK for husbands to punish their wives? 
• Is it OK for older family members to punish us?  If so, how is this typically done in your culture?
• What would you do if we “fell out of love?”
• Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling if we were having marital problems?
• If there is a disagreement between me and your family, whose side do you choose?
• How do you handle disagreements?
• Is there ever a time when it’s ok to tell a lie?
• Would you ever consider divorce?
• Would you rather discuss issues as they arise or wait until you have a few problems?
• What is the best way to handle disagreements in a marriage?
• How can I be better about communicating with you?

 

Sex

• What is the purpose of sex?
• How would you communicate you aren’t satisfied sexually?
• When is it appropriate to talk about sex, and with who?
• If we ever encountered a difficulty in our sex life which we couldn’t solve, would you be open to going for counseling?
• Have you had struggles with pornography? (Ask when your significant other is comfortable around you and you are sure they’ll tell you honestly.)

 

Children

• How many kids do you want?
• What values do you want to install in your children?
• How do you want to discipline your kids?
• What would you do if one of our children said he was homosexual?
• What if our children didn’t want to go to college?
• How much say do children have in a family?
• How comfortable are you around children?
• Would you be opposed to having our parents watch the children so we can spend time alone together?
• Would you put our children in private or public, or home school?
• Would you be willing to adopt?
• Would you be willing to seek medical treatment if we couldn’t have kids naturally?
• Do you believe it’s okay to discipline your child in public?
• How do you feel about paying for your kid’s college education?
• How far apart do you want kids?
• What are your views on birth control?
• Would you want someone to stay home with the kids or use daycare?
• How involved do you want grandparents to be in our parenting?
• How will we handle parental decisions?
• Are you willing for our children to be Third Culture Kids (expressing elements of both our cultures in their lives)? 
• Are we going to speak to the children in both our languages in the home? 
• Are there any values or habits that you believe should be instilled in a male child? And instilled in a female child? 
• In what ways should boys be treated differently than girls? 
• Will it be OK with you if our child decides to reject your culture (your language, your culture’s values, food, traditional roles, closeness to family etc. to identify only with mine (and am I willing to accept the same thing in reverse)? 
• Are you going to be comfortable with our children seeing and learning about (whatever is the central religion of the spouse’s home area)?  Will you be comfortable with them spending time with relatives who practice this religion?

 

 Family

• How often would you want to visit your family?
• How often will your family visit us?
• How often would you want my family to visit?
• How often would you want to visit my family?
• How would you handle holiday family visits?
• Would you be OK with other family members living with us?
• Are you willing to support me if the family wants us to do something that I decline to do because it goes against our faith?

 

Handling Finances

• Would you rather be rich and miserable or poor and happy?
• Who should work outside the home; one or both of us?
• Do you have any debt?
• How do you feel about debt?
• How well do you budget?
• Would you share all money with your spouse or split the money into different accounts?
• What are your views on saving money?
• What are your views on spending money?
• What if we both want something but can’t afford both?
• How well do you budget?
• Do you feel it is important to save for retirement?
• Would you be willing to get a second job if we had financial problems?
• What if a family member wants to borrow a large sum of money?
• Who will take care of the financial matters of the household?

Recreation

• Do you enjoy traveling?
• How often would you like to travel?
• Where would you like to travel?
• How important is spending time alone to you?
• How would you feel about me going on a trip with the girls (boys) for a couple of weeks?
• How important is spending time with friends to you?
• What would be the perfect weekday evening to you?
• What would we do if we both had a break from work, but each of us had different ideas on how to spend it?

 

Medical Information

• Does anyone in your family suffer from alcoholism?
• What is your medical family history? Do you have a family history of diseases or genetic abnormalities?
• Would you ever be opposed to mental health treatment?
• Are you willing to diet and exercise with me to improve our health?

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But what if you are already married and have come across a difficult issue which neither of you can agree on?

 

Take this example; suppose one spouse is an anti-vaccer and the other views vaccinations as important.  What will they do when it’s time to vaccinate their kids?

That would be a very hard situation because both spouses deeply believe in their viewpoint; they both love their children and want what’s best for them.  One believes that vaccinations could harm the child so is trying to prevent that, the other believes that not getting vaccinated could harm the child and is trying to prevent that.

Neither is being selfish, both are acting out of sincere love.

 

Assuming they are both Christians, here are steps that I think are ideal, but this takes both spouse’s willingness to participate:

1. Spend time in prayer before approaching your spouse.  Ask God to make your hearts right towards each other, to give you both wisdom and that God will help you (as a couple) resolve the situation.

2. Invite your spouse to a discussion and let them know the topic.  Choose a time when you won’t be rushed or tired, and where it’s private.

3. Start the discussion by praying together, remembering that it is not the husband’s or wife’s will that should be done, but that, as a couple together, we are seeking to do the Father’s will.  Ask the Father to reveal His will.

Remember, you are not wrestling with flesh and blood (your spouse) really, although you are at one level.  Ultimately, Satan wants to pull you apart, or at least prevent you from glorifying God in your marriage. So, ask God to help you unite in trying to resolve this that the process itself may glorify Him.

4. Take turns listening to each other’s viewpoints without interrupting – listen for understanding, not necessarily for agreement.  Listen especially to the motives (“I want our children to be safe”) because often both spouses have that in common (they both want the same result) they just have different beliefs about how to get there.  It’s much easier to cope with a difference in opinion when you understand why they feel that way. It’s better if you strive to understand what beliefs, what needs, what pressures (cultural? extended family? etc.) are behind the stance, than if you think they’re just being a selfish jerk (of course, sometimes they are…!).

5. Seek counsel or more information if that’s helpful. E.g. (remove one space between helpful and E.G.) “I know we both want what’s best for the kids.  Let’s see whether there’s research showing whether vaccines harm children and what can happen if they’re not vaccinated.” 

6. See whether there’s a different way to meet the need that would be satisfactory to both, or whether a compromise is possible (e.g. vaccinating the kids when they’re 5 and just starting school rather than as small infants), or whether you can take turns having it the way you want (e.g. if you’re disagreeing on where you go for Christmas).

7. The Bible makes it clear that unless it would be something that would go against God’s law, the wife should submit to the husband.  This may be an act of trust and obedience in the Lord, e.g. “Lord, I believe that my husband is making a bad financial decision, but I am submitting to him out of obedience to You, and I trust You to meet all my needs.”  My personal opinion is that neither spouse should agree to do things that they know will damage their health because God calls us to be good stewards of our bodies.

The truth is, sometimes we suffer because of our spouse’s choices, but sometimes they suffer because of ours.  I’m not talking about abusive spouses, but ordinary people learning to weave their lives together.  Don’t forget to remind each other that although you may feel very heated about the topic, you are to love and respect your spouse. 

 

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Sources: Hardy, Marcelina. “100 Questions Before Marriage”

http://dating.lovetoknow.com/dating-conversation-topics/100-questions-before-marriage, 9/23/17

I’m from the USA, my husband is from India and he is a precious gift from God. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Many people ask Amith and I how we get along because we’re from two different cultures. The truth of the matter is people everywhere are really the same in their nature, even if they’re different in their outward habits.

When I visited the US this summer, I noticed a stark contrast between Indians and Americans. Speaking generally, I’ve observed Indians tend to be angry while Americans tend to be melancholy.  I’ve seen Indians bawling out a waiter at a restaurant, yelling in traffic jams — definitely not saving the drama for their mama.  While you talk to many Americans and they sound like their world is crashing down because their significant other didn’t respond to their text immediately, for example. 

But Christians of either culture are the same – joyful — whatever the attitude of their fellow countrymen.

I know many, many other American women married to Indians as well as other intercultural marriages.  I can honestly say I’ve seen same-culture couples have more conflict in their relationship than some cross-culture couples.

When my friends and family found I was engaged to Amith, they were all thrilled, especially my parents.  However there was this one elderly lady at our church who had lived in India for a year when she was young.  She said, “Break off your engagement! Don’t you know Indian men treat their wives like servants?” She proceeded to give me numerous examples of unhappy Indian marriages (none of which were Christian).

She asked why don’t I pick a boy from our little farming town. I kept silent, but I felt like saying, “Following this logic, I could give you just as many examples of men here I’ve known who have cheated on their wives or become drug junkies.”

The fact of the matter is in our own strength we cannot make any relationship work, whether we’re married cross culturally or not.

 

Therefore if you have any encouragement in Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, then make my joy complete by being of one mind, having the same love, being united in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

–Philippians 2:1-4

 

This is the key to any relationship, whether it’s with our spouse, our parents, our children, our in-laws our friends, or anyone else who plays a role in our life; to act in love selflessly. Plus it’s the hardest thing…pretty much impossible in our own strength. That’s why we can’t do without the Holy Spirit.