Forbidden Grief

Posted on 01/03/2018 by Anna

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
–Matthew 5:4

At times it seems like in church circles we aren’t allowed to be depressed, sad or despondent around other Christians. While most Christians recognize the acceptability of grieving over a death, many Christians view grieving over other types of losses as either complaining, refusal to accept the will of God or letting your emotions override your faith in God — all of which are sin. This is a tricky one because sometimes it is those things. Sometimes though, in the desire to be a “good Christian,” people do not allow themselves to experience their grief.
A lady who grew up in ministry circles overseas said, “This was certainly true of me. My mind was full of examples like that in Hebrews about how they joyfully accepted the confiscation of their possessions for the sake of Christ, and that I should deny myself, and consider it joy when I encounter trials. So for every ‘forbidden’ grief, I quickly and firmly clamped down on emotions using Scripture as the manhole cover over the poisonous fumes of the septic tank of upset feelings.”

Common “forbidden griefs”

A “forbidden grief” is any grief you feel you must deny or hide, so that could be just about anything. Common ones include:
a) suffering due to bad decisions or consequences to sin (you deserve that)
b) suffering for Christ (you’re supposed to count it all joy)
c) grieving things that are wants but not needs (God is not Santa Claus, be grateful for what you have)
d) disappointed expectations in God, in church or in other believers
e) the list can go for a long time!

A breakup, a move, the loss of a pet, hurt from a friend — anything which changes your life indefinitely — can cause grief. We might not be fully aware of how we’re feeling, and we find that we’re carrying around a heaviness which we can’t quite recognize.

Complaining vs. lamenting.

We know complaining is a sin, and lamenting was done by Jesus, so it is a righteous thing to do. What’s the difference? (I’d like to hear your thoughts on it!) Here is what I think about, though. Lamenting is not arguing with God, it is expressing feelings about a situation that one has accepted from the hand of God, like Jesus pleading, “If you can, take this cup away…” (Luke 22:42) It is not expressing rebellion, but rather, a very human struggle to submit, to find a way to continue on through loss and pain.

Complaining, on the other hand, is slandering the character of God. It is saying, “I am the center, and God is failing to please me. I do not trust His goodness, so I am not grateful.” After seeing all that God had done for them, the Israelites still hardened their hearts against believing in Him and trusting Him:

Psalm 95:8-10

“If only you would listen to his voice today!
The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah,
as they did at Massah in the wilderness.
For there your ancestors tested and tried my patience,
even though they saw everything I did.
For forty years I was angry with them, and I said,
‘They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.
They refuse to do what I tell them.’

Complaining is turning your heart away from God, lamenting is bringing your pain to God.

The Book of Lamentations

Lamentations is expressing the ultimate in “forbidden grief.” It is mourning losses that are a direct consequence of sin, a well-deserved punishment from God. We would say, “You made your bed, now lie in it!” But God never says that to the author. He allowed the author to pour out his grief as the thoughts and feelings came, and He preserved it as part of His inspired Word. This was mind-boggling to me; the thought that God valued the expression of His peoples’ grieving so much that out of all the things He could have selected, He chose to put their lament in His Book.

Psalm 56:8
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

I saw that when we open our vulnerable inner selves to God, He treasures it; He treasures us. There is no “forbidden grief” on His list.

Lamentations is publically expressed grief.
There is no hint here that it is spiritual maturity to have full control of your emotions, or that it is a sign of faith in God to be stoical about the things that hurt. This author pours it out in public and invites others to join him. It’s not a quiet 5-minute suppressed sniffling at a funeral, it is crying out the hurt, long and loud. Here is what we see can result from public lamenting:

a) It becomes a shared experience that bonds us, makes us feel less alone in our grief, and lightens the load of grief as we carry it together.
b) It gives us the chance to share different perspectives, Scriptures, encouragements etc so that any one person is less at risk of getting permanently stuck in their grief.
c) It brings us as a people (a church) to a place of dependence and calling on God, humbling us, cleansing us, and (hopefully) resulting in renewed worship.
d) It models how to lament our grief to others. It shows others how to get their pain out and let us be with them in that pain. The Bible says to imitate our leaders, which implies, I believe, that our leaders lament their grief so we can see how we also can be like Jesus, a people “of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3)
e) It can serve as a witness to our brothers and sisters and the outside world as they see our pain, but as we turn to God in it, He is there. Look how Job’s lamenting has encouraged believers over the centuries.

God actually encourages public lament. It becomes a doorway that, as we open it, allows God to enter into very vulnerable places in our hearts, both privately and corporately.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:”

“a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”

Lamentations describes a process of grief.
It’s a journey with shifting perspectives between internal and external focus, despair and hope, downs and ups and downs again. Lamentations teaches us that there is no rush to resolve things, that it is OK to let grief unfold just the way it happens to do so in your mind and heart. Therefore, although the lament is shared, the grieving process will be different for everyone; this is not a moral issue, merely one of individuality.

God invites us to more than a simple relief from pain He invites us to share our burdens and sorrows on Him, because He cares for us. No matter how deep our sadness is, however, we can know that we have hope in Jesus, who makes all things come together for our good. As Lamentations 3:22-24 says,

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul,
‘therefore I will hope in him.'”

Is It A Moral Duty To Have Children?

Posted on 22/02/201822/02/2018 by Anna

It’s an obvious fact that most people like kids. I myself look forward to the day when my husband and I have little ones of our own. However, I hear many people talk about having children as if it’s a moral duty for couples to reproduce. If a couple doesn’t have kids then they’re treated like there’s something very wrong with them and/or they’re living in sin.
This is a very common attitude which I’ve observed, but there are some couples who seem to have had children for selfish motives, and their kids suffer for it. I wondered if it’s possible for people to have kids for the wrong reasons, and I wondered if it’s truly a moral duty for all couples to reproduce. Thinking of a wise, godly person with children of her own to give me a detailed answer, I made the obvious choice and asked my mother.

She sent me the following email:

Anna, you asked whether couples have a moral duty to have children. It’s an interesting discussion, isn’t it? Here are some thoughts of mine.

1. Each time the earth was empty, at creation and after the flood, God told people to be fruitful and fill it.

To Adam and Eve – Genesis 1:28 “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'”

Genesis 9:1, ” And God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.'”

Does this mean that we are sinning if we are not doing this?
A. The Bible says God opens and closes wombs, so we know that childlessness in itself is not sinful. God would never cause sin. Infertile couples are not sinning, nor is their infertility necessarily a result of sin (e.g. Hannah and Sarah, God closed their wombs for many years, but not due to sin, it was because He had particular purpose for their lives.)
B. Paul said that he chose to remain single. In choosing that, he was choosing not to be fruitful and multiply. The Bible indicates that this is a good thing if people are gifted for singleness. Again, singleness and childlessness is good if it is being used for God’s purposes and glory.
C. The admonition to be fruitful and fill the earth may have been intended for the people as a nation, not necessarily for each individual (even though it was spoken to individuals who were beginning the nations). Another example of a command with this difference is that when someone murdered someone else, Israel as a nation was commanded to kill the murderer, but the relatives were not to get revenge on the murderer as individuals.

We are made in the image of God, who creates and cares for His creation. So my belief is that, in most cases, people who are emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy will find a desire in their hearts to have children. However, it seems clear to me that some will not have this desire, and that lack of desire may be there by God’s purpose in their life.

2. The Bible makes is clear that children are a blessing from the Lord, so some argue that if you reject God’s blessing (like Esau scorned his birthright or people reject salvation) then you are rejecting God Himself. For this reason, some people, like the Duggar family, who have 21 kids, will not use birth control. My argument against that is that God expects His blessings to be used wisely by us. Food is also a blessing, but the Bible says it’s gluttony to eat without restraint. If it’s OK to say no to food sometimes, it’s OK to say no to kids sometimes, logically. Kids are indeed a blessing, but these verses aren’t commanding you to have kids, they’re simply saying that if you have them, understand that they were gifted to you by God and value them accordingly.

3. Paul told Timothy 1 Timothy 5:14 “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” But what was the sin he was speaking against in this case? He was not calling singleness, nor childlessness, a sin. He was concerned because these young women were acting as gossips and busybodies, stirring up trouble and disunity, and he was telling Timothy, “They need to be busy with something productive in their lives.”

4. There is a cultural aspect. In group-oriented societies, especially where there isn’t much in the way of social security or retirement savings, adult children are expected to care for the elderly. So putting in the hard work of raising responsible children is like what we do in America in setting aside funds for our retirement. It’s work and a sacrifice, but by doing so, you are the wise steward that God called all of us to be, and are not a drain on society in your aged years. Interestingly, even in America often the reason people don’t want kids is because they don’t want to put the work into raising them (saying “I wouldn’t be a good parent” meaning, “I’m not willing to deny my own desires and comfort to raise a child”) and they expect tax-payer money (i.e. the rest of society) to support them in a comfortable way when they’re old. So there is a moral element in that attitude, and that’s where the sin lies, a refusal to be self-disciplined, to make sacrifices and to work as God told us to.

5. Some people have good reasons for not having children. If there is a marriage with active alcoholism, domestic violence, mental illness, a really unstable marriage, or such extreme poverty that there’s not enough food for the people already in the family, I would advise those couples not to have kids until the issue was taken care of. Proverbs calls us to be wise and take an accounting before we embark on a project, and although there is no such thing as a problem-free home, there are families in which the problems are serious enough to have a very high likelihood of harming the child, at least emotionally.

6. Some people choose to have children for very sinful reasons. They do it to collect welfare, or to try to make the man stay with them when they’re not married, or to be the center of attention etc, and not because they love God or the child.

My conclusion is that having or not having children is not in itself the moral issue. It’s the reason why you make your choice that has a moral element. Everything we do should be for the glory of God. If a couple decided not to have kids because they are called to travel all over the world evangelizing and it wouldn’t be good to leave the child behind with relatives all the time, then I believe God would be pleased with their choice (it’s a situation like Paul’s). Other couples might find that having children opens doors for them to witness that they wouldn’t otherwise have (like our friend Vickie who is the only Christian mom at her daughter’s pre-school, and witnesses to the other moms).

This is what I think:
A. As in everything, believers should seek God’s will in the matter, and ask Him to guide the desires of their heart in His direction.
B. One must not only ask, “Should we have kids, God?” But also, “When?” God’s answer may not be super clear. He may simply work through the person’s desires or through common-sense circumstances.
C. There is nothing wrong with longing for children and asking God for them (like Hannah), nor is there anything wrong with not wanting children, those are just feelings. But one should also ask God to reveal any wrong motives that might be there, and He will be faithful to do that if it’s a problem.

Church & Ministry Life

Resting Under the Juniper Tree

Posted on 11/02/201811/02/2018 by Anna

“Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength… It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less.”

–Charles Spurgeon [1]

“At one point, I was a youth pastor, professional sign language interpreter, wedding photographer, radio host, husband, and father – in that order…” Steve Austin said in his Huffington post article, “I figured my wife must be so proud. Look at all I was doing for the church! Yet, in having no personal boundaries, I was building walls. I was keeping the people who loved me the most at a distance. I didn’t know it was okay, and even appropriate, to tell others, ‘no.’ To schedule a day off. To turn off my phone. To spend my evening with the ones who longed for my affection and attention more than I could possibly understand.
Eventually, the stress was more than I could bear, and I tried to kill myself.” [2]

What is the difference between selfishness and self-care? Is it OK for Christian ministers to take vacations, or to do things just for fun?

Many secular people put a priority on doing whatever makes them happy. Many who don’t like a relationship or a situation will leave. They’ll spend all their energy and resources on self-indulgence. Religious people, on the other hand, often practice self-denial to the point of exhausting themselves and completely burning out.
Steve Austin’s story is, unfortunately, a very common one. There is a dangerous and unbiblical idea carried among many communities of Christian ministers (although usually it’s carried subconsciously). That idea is that the more we give, serve and minister, the more valuable we are. What we sometimes believe is giving is, in reality, us doing things to achieve a sense of self-worth. Countless ministers neglect their health, their family and even their relationship with God in order to serve and minister.

We must understand that self-care is not selfishness and it’s important for us to know the difference. At times, it’s undeniably hard to discern the difference, and that’s why we need the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom. Twice so far my husband and I have taken time to vacation in Thailand at a Christian retreat center called, “The Juniper Tree.” This retreat center aims to refresh expats and ministers, and gets its name from this passage in 1 Kings 19:

1 Kings 19:1-8 (ESV)
Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

(The broom tree in verse 5 is also called a juniper tree in other translations. Here’s to knowing your biblical shrubs. 🙂 )

We as Christians have faced some (if not all) of what Elijah faced at one time or another. Depression, discouragement physical exhaustion, persecution are things many of us have experienced. Elijah just wanted to die, and many of us can relate to that. But the Lord didn’t tell him, “Why are you talking like that? Don’t be a whiny baby! You’re a man of God — you should be stronger!”
Instead, God allowed him to sleep under a juniper tree. And God didn’t simply give him a break, He actually sent an angel to feed him and encourage him. The angel said, “The journey is too great for you,” so we see here that God was compassionate and empathetic to Elijah and understood that he had limitations as a human. Instead of pushing Elijah farther, He allowed him to be refreshed and nourished before he continued on his journey.

Jesus also took time away from His ministry for self-care. Luke 5:15-16 says, “But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.”
Jesus Himself understood the importance of taking time to be alone with The Father, rest and pray to have His soul fed.
Self-care is a responsibility. Jesus said to, “love your neighbor as yourself,” and I think that also means that you should, “love yourself just as you love your neighbor.” What if you loved yourself in the same way you would love another person important to you? You would not pour all of your resources into another person, because that would be like worshiping them. But then of course if you love this person you will do your best to meet their needs.

Even those who sacrifice themselves for the gospel and face heavy persecution may still practice self-care to an extent and find peace by using what God gives them. It’s scary and seemingly impossible to rest in the Lord during these hard times. However Jesus promised in in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Chinese evangelist Brother Yun experienced the power of the Holy Spirit after he was beaten and imprisoned in Myanmar. In his book, “Living Water,” Brother Yun writes,

“It is easy to be deceived when we place ministry in a higher position than it ought to be. Even when I was burned out and giving stale messages, people were still applauding me, even though I was operating outside of the fresh anointing of th Holy Spirit. We can trick ourselves into thinking everything is all right, because the people seem to be blessed by what we have to say. One day I was boarding an airplane to go to my next series of meetings when the Lord clearly told me, ‘I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place.’ (Rev. 2:4-5)
The Lord saw that I needed a rest, and He arranged it in a way that only He could. I was arrested in the nation of Myanmar, beaten and sentenced to even years in prison because of my disobedience to the Holy Spirit. In prison, the Lord showed me that my life was getting out of control and I needed to slow down. This was the second time He allowed me to have a holiday in prison while I learned to renew my relationship with the Lord Jesus.
After I left China, I discovered that pastors in the West have Mondays off and go on summer holidays every year. In China the believers have no opportunity to take holidays, so the Lord graciously becomes our travel agent and books us in for a much-needed rest at a prison.” [3]

Brother Yun experienced God’s promise in Exodus 33:14, “And he said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'” Although he was imprisoned, he took his terrible circumstance as an opportunity to rest in the Lord. God soon blessed his humble heart and allowed him to be released from prison early. Many of us, however, have freedom and easy opportunities to take time off from our work and ministry — and it’s very important that we do so. Resting in the Lord and practicing self-care forces us to remember that we cannot control the world, nor can we save the world by our works, because we are only human. Practicing self-care and resting allows us to say, “God, I have limitations. I can’t be there for everyone all the time, so I trust you to take care of all the work which I am unable to do.” This is the reason God told His people to take a Sabbath, and it wasn’t just a suggestion — it was a command! (See Exodus 20:8-11 and Deuteronomy 5:12-15.)

We don’t live to make ourselves happy, and Christianity will certainly take us far outside of our comfort zone. But we’re to be stewards of our time, our money, and of ourselves. We must take care of ourselves to be at our best in God’s kingdom. It’s no sin to accept any gift or opportunity for a vacation which God has given you.

So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.
Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.
— Hebrews 4:9-11

Sources:

[1] Spurgeon, Charles. The Minister’s Fainting Fits, Lectures to My Students, Lecture XI, 1856.
[2] Austin, Steve. “3 Examples of Self-Care in the Bible.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 18 Nov. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-austin/3-examples-of-selfcare-in_b_13073572.html.
[3] Yun, Brother. “The Person God Uses.” Living Water, edited by Paul Hattaway, Ndervan, 2008, pp. 68–69.

Life as a Foreigner

Losing Yourself in Your Host Culture

Posted on 10/01/201810/01/2018 by Anna

“‘Am I compromising too much of myself to be here?

That is the BIG question.

Am I letting these new cultures, traditions and expectations cut me off from my own heritage, my own culture and the way I usually do things?

Moving to another country (whether it be for love or just simply because you wanted to) is an adventure, to say the least. You will undoubtedly feel every emotion from surreal happiness to pure confusion. However, despite what some travel bloggers lead you to believe; it’s not always fun and it’s certainly not always easy.'”

— Jaimee Nicole [1]

The pressure to conform to society, yet not knowing how. The drive for independence, without the knowledge of how to do simple tasks. The conflicting desires to “fit in,” yet to stand out and be yourself. The grief of sensing that the life you once lived and the person you once were are now dead and buried.

While all of our situations are unique, these are all common feelings we may experience when we move to a new country. When you move into a foreign culture you may feel pressure to act like everyone else in the region you live. You may have your friends (or in-laws) constantly nagging you to cook food exactly a certain way, dress a certain way, behave a certain way, etc. This will be especially true if you are a woman, as women tend to be flexible and relational, and thus are expected to always accommodate to other’s needs above their own. This almost inevitably results in what is termed, “cultural stress.”

Northwestern University lists the following symptoms of cultural stress:

Exhaustion, fatigue or changes to your appetite.
Major concern over small health problems.
Increased use of alcohol or drugs.
Craving things from home (food, amenities, etc.) and homesickness.
Strong desire to interact only with students on your program or non-locals.
Fits of anger and frustration or depression alternating with elation.
Superior attitude toward host nationals. You find yourself complaining about and criticizing everything.
Feelings of rejection, isolation, and loneliness.
Feeling like a child. [2]

We see ourselves becoming angrier and more despondent. We become discouraged by our health issues. We look back with pining on when we were independent and could run errands on our own, but now we feel like a little kid who’s unable to do anything right. We may go through some or all of these feelings, and that’s only natural. Like grief, the stress and sense that we’ve lost who we once were are emotional and psychological process which we need to go through in order to process our experiences.

It’s normal to have a sense of grief over the loss of your former life. I asked some experienced American expats who are married interculturally to share with me what has helped them regain a sense of identity in their husband’s culture.

Crista writes:

1). Surrender has been a big one. Surrendering everything and all of me. Still working on it. Every time I think I’ve surrendered completely the Lord shows me another thing.

2). Remembering my calling. How God brought me here and what He spoke during that time.

3). Accepting myself for who I am. Not perfect by any means but made in His image.

4). Choosing my battles as wisely as possible. There are things in this culture I just accept, there’s no use arguing or fighting them. But talking with my husband about the things that are important to me and why. It took years but he finally understood that I’m not judging others but need some control over my environment and the way we as a family do things.

5). Since I have known, even before I came to [my host country], that God was planting me here for life it was much easier to let go of my American-ness. I’ve immersed myself in [my host culture] and spend very little time elsewhere. This one thing has helped more than almost everything else. It has helped me understand the culture here and find my place and myself in it.

Sue writes:

I remember an experience sometime our first year, when I literally grieved the loss of who I was. I sat locked in our bedroom and visualized myself actually conducting a funeral for me and for my old life

….throw the debit card in the casket, throw the independence in the casket, toss my keys in, my career, the coffee shops from home that I missed….

Everything I could think of. When I couldn’t cry anymore, I got up and headed to the kitchen to get some water and I remember the spot where the words came to me so CLEARLY, “Raised to walk in newness of life.” That was the turning point for me.

NOW what I struggle with is that all my identity is wrapped up in my life and work here [in my host country]. I go back to the USA and feel like I don’t belong there. My fear is that if we ever had to leave or if my husband ever died, I would lose all of my identity and my whole sense of purpose for living.

I should add, 20 years later, I like the new me much more than I like the old one. I like what God has made me here. It was fascinating for me when I attended a conference. They had sessions focused on grief – and a grief counselor traveling with them – because they say that women living abroad do not typically grieve their losses; they bury them or ignore them or deny them, and the loss festers and comes out unidentified as buried grief, until the women recognize it and grieve it.

There were a couple of things that were HUGE for me:

1) My husband repeatedly told me that if he wanted a [national] wife he would have married one. Whew! So he encouraged me to stop trying to be something I can never be. HUGE!

2) I didn’t realize what my whole transition those first months meant to my kids until some other American women moved here. We were going to one of their homes for lunch and I came out of the bedroom wearing jeans. My kids (6 and 8) were ECSTATIC – “Wow! We have our American Mom back! Please, Mommy, don’t let her go away again!” In the end what the Master made here was one who lived both lives and roles equally, although I would say I have gravitated more back to my American roots the longer I have been here. I drive, find places by myself, take off by myself on the scooter for long drives along the beach…and in my daily life feel like the same American woman I do in the USA.

HOWEVER, when we are out and about here, or I am interacting with [locals], I am very different. No one here knows me apart from our team. They don’t know my opinions or have a clue really about who I am at my core. That doesn’t matter to me anymore (and I’m not sure why).

Finally, getting through menopause helped! I don’t care as much about a lot of things that I just to care about (pleasing people, caring what anyone thinks about what I wear, etc.) I embrace who I am a lot more freely on this side….and embrace the struggles that made me who I am now.

Every individual will find unique things which help help them in each stage of cultural stress as they regain a sense of identity and belonging. There are common things which most people find helpful. The following is what Northwestern University recommends regarding internal and physical supports:

Internal support:

Understand the stages of cultural adjustment
Analyze your situations and reactions
Identify what helps you manage stress
Identify new ways of thinking positively

Physical support:

Eat healthily and get plenty of rest
Identify any weaknesses (e.g. alcohol abuse, binge eating) and make plans to manage them
Bring a sufficient supply of necessary medications
Take any “can’t live without” toiletries with you [2]

Social support will also be fundamental in your adjustment process:

Schedule times for keeping in touch with your friends in family in your country of origin. Video calling can be a great help.
Seek out fellow expats, especially those from your own country who have things in common with you. Facebook is a great way for networking and finding groups of foreigners.
Seek out national friends and groups who share your interests. Push yourself to step out, even when you feel shy. Consider joining a social club or taking a class to find like-minded friends.
Find healthy outlets for expressing yourself creatively. You may find such an outlet in your job or in a hobby.
Set goals which will help you adapt to life in your host country such as, “get a driver’s license,” or, “take a language class.”

Additional suggestions from, “How to Live in Another Country (Without Losing Yourself),” a Huffington Post article written by Jamiee Nicole:

• “Actually learning about the new country traditions and where they came from.

The more you understand, the easier it will be to decide if these cultures/traditions have a place in your life.

• Reminding yourself of your own heritage.

You don’t have to lose where you have come from to be proud of where you are now.

• Making it your own.

This could mean selling your possessions or even moving your pets to the new country with you! I know Belgium never really felt like home until my cat made the journey with me.” [1]

A note to readers with foreign spouses: it’s important that you give your spouse plenty of freedom and encouragement to be them self and express them self according to their culture. Just as Sue’s husband observed, you have chosen to marry someone from another culture and it’s important to accept them for who they are.

Maybe you’re returning to your passport country after having been settled overseas and your “home” is no longer in your country of origin. You may be surprised to find yourself going through this adjustment process all over again, even if you grew up in your passport country. The same steps will still apply, and it’s possible to seek a “reentry counselor” to help you cope.

While the process may take many years, ideally as long-term expats we will reach a point where we have a sense of identity, competence and belonging in our culture of origion as well as in our host culture.

As Jamiee Nicole also wisely stated,

“The REAL test of moving to another country is finding a balance that makes you feel like you embody both cultures and both countries; because both places can be equally important to you.” [1]

Questions for readers:

If you are or have been an expatriate for an extended amount of time, have you undergone any of the experiences or emotions mentioned in this blog post?

Have you ever worried about “losing yourself” in your host culture?

What has helped you deal with cultural stress?

Sources:

[1] Nicole, Jaimee. “How to Live in Another Country (Without Losing Yourself).” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 7 Apr. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/author/travelprayloveblog-941.

[2] “Life in a Foreign Culture: Tips for Cultural Adjustment While Abroad.” Northwestern.edu, Northwestern University, www.northwestern.edu/studyabroad/outbound-students/life-in-a-foreign-culture-tips-for-cultural-adjustment-while-abroad.html.

Intercultural Romance, Love & Relationships

How to Have a Terrible Wedding

Posted on 06/01/201806/01/2018 by Anna

Maybe you’ve been to one, or maybe you yourself have had one. Either way, most of us at some time have had the experience of attending a wedding which turned out to be a very uncomfortable (if not completely terrible) event. Many married couples all around the world did not enjoy their wedding day at all, but instead found it hectic and stressful. I’ve met several brides who ended their wedding in tears of frustration. Couples expect their wedding to be a magical experience, and it so often turns out to be an incredibly uncomfortable experience instead, much to their disappointment.

Many times the people planning the wedding have had no experience in organizing any kind of event before, and that’s what can make it a huge stressor. It’s handy to hire a wedding planner, but that option may be out of the price range of many couples. I’ve also met couples who couldn’t afford to pay for their own wedding, so their parents obliged and took on the expenses…but no one in the family handled the planning well and it lead to problems.

I’ve noticed certain patterns in the way many people plan their wedding which sets it up for potential disaster. Many of them stem from expectations or preconceived ideas of “how a wedding ought to be,” which turn out to be impracticable when the day comes. However, if you avoid these mistakes, your wedding will likely end up being good time for you, your spouse and your guests.

Here is a list of twelve mistakes to avoid:

1). Marrying someone who is a very bad match for you.

Firstly, if you’re having doubts about the person you’re marrying, that’s the most obvious way to cause stress and tension within yourself and your wedding party. Postpone the wedding if you have any doubts, even if your wedding is about to start in a few hours or less. As marriage is a covenant, It’s better to have one painful breakup than a lifetime of heartache.

2). Posting your engagement on social media before you tell your close friends and family.

This is super tacky, but I have known people who did this. Sharing an important life-changing event with your friends and family will make them understand how much you truly love them and want to include them in your life. If you don’t tell your loved ones personally that you’re engaged before you make a public announcement, you’ll create in them a sense of broken trust.

3). Not praying while planning your wedding.

God is the one who should lead you into a life-long relationship. He’s the one you must seek to bring you joy throughout the ups and downs of your life together. If you don’t pray for guidance in choosing a spouse, and don’t pray for help in arranging your ceremony then I promise you, your wedding will not be the picture of heaven you were aiming for. So be sure to pray over the whole event, alone and with your spouse-to-be.

4). Not communicating.

Communication is key in any relationship, so be sure to communicate with your sweetheart and ask what their needs and desires are. This is not just YOUR wedding, it’s your spouse’s and your wedding. Ask your fiance(e) what decorations they want, what drinks you should serve, what music to play, etc, and do your best to compromise. Conversely, if your spouse-to-be is making wedding arrangements which disappoint you, be sure tell them what you really want. Resentment will build and fester between you if you don’t start off your marriage with clear communication.

If you are a parent paying for a wedding, it will show a great deal of additional kindness to your children if you ask them what they want for their wedding, keep to a budget, and don’t feel the need to impress your peers. Likewise, children should be sure to graciously communicate with their parents their desires, without being taking advantage of them.

5). Being strictly traditional.

If something is customary, don’t it solely for that reason! If it’s expensive, if it’s an ungodly ritual, if it makes you uncomfortable and no one enjoys it, don’t do it simply because, “it’s tradition!” Skipping over traditions you dislike will make your wedding more simple, easy-going and enjoyable.

6). Trying to please everyone.

If you’re taking every suggestion from your parents, your in-laws, your friends, your coworker’s cousin’s brother, it will suck the joy out of your event. There’s no way you can please everyone, so in the end, just aim for having a wedding which you and your spouse will enjoy.

7). Making your wedding complicated and lavish.

Instead of inviting “everyone and their mothers,” downsize as much as possible and invite close friends and family only. Keep things simple: your wedding will only last a day and you shouldn’t spend all of your money, time and energy on this one event. Leave money for your honeymoon, and don’t be stuck with debt afterwards.

8). Being picky and demanding.

Chill, be flexible and don’t panic when things don’t go as planned. Such large social events as weddings seldom go as planned, so it’s best not to be perfectionistic about it. Just enjoy what it is and roll with it! Don’t be a “Bridezilla.” (Or a “Groomzilla!”)

9). Making it difficult for guests.

There are some common things couples do which makes the wedding strenuous or uncomfortable for their guests. Make sure of the following things:

– If you want all of your family and friends to come, then don’t make the location of the ceremony thousands of miles away from your hometown.

– If you’re planning an outdoor wedding don’t schedule it at the hottest or coldest time of the year!

– Keep the ceremony and reception short, and provide food if at all possible.

10). Serving lots of alcohol (especially if some of your guests are alcoholic).

Many people feel serving alcohol is an essential part of a wedding celebration, however wisdom is needed in doing so. Common “wedding-drama” is due to one or more of the guests having a drunken outburst. Consider serving other classy, non-alcoholic drinks such as kombucha, iced tea or fresh fruit juices.

11). Not pausing for snack breaks during your photo shoot.

Hungry bride = cranky bride. Need I say more?

12). Having sex on your wedding night just because “it’s what’s expected.”

Intercourse will be most pleasurable if you’re both feeling relaxed and turned-on, but on your wedding night you and/or your spouse may possibly feel tired from the events of “the big day.” Communicate ahead of time with your spouse and discuss if you want to have sex right away, or if you’d rather simply cuddle or relax. Remember that this is your marriage and you’re under no obligation regarding what you and your spouse do on your wedding night; it’s yours to enjoy.

People have told me that Indian weddings are chaotic, but ours was relatively simple, laid-back and a lot of fun. I actually thought our wedding was perfect, and I enjoyed the whole event. I attribute this mostly to God’s grace and the miraculous blessings He poured out upon us at that time. He provided for us in amazing ways! I also give credit to my husband’s wonderful organizational skills and our ability to communicate with each other.

Your wedding day is important, but not as important as the rest of your life together. It’s important to keep that in mind while planning for your wedding. If you avoid all the mistakes listed and things still go awry, do not fret! Your wedding day is not the only day you’ll be married. You have your honeymoon and the rest of your life together to enjoy and make precious memories — and that’s far more important than a one-day event, however glamorous.

Faith and Hope

Psalms of Wrath

Posted on 30/12/201701/01/2018 by Anna

A few weeks ago in church we were reading Psalm 109, which is full of “delightful, lighthearted poetry” such as,

“When he is tried, let him come forth guilty;

let his prayer be counted as sin!

May his days be few;

may another take his office!

May his children be fatherless

and his wife a widow!

May his children wander about and beg,

seeking food far from the ruins they inhabit!” (Vs. 7-10)

This passage made me squirm in my chair. Yes, apparently the man David was calling this curse down upon was a terribly evil person. But isn’t this vengeful prayer really a merely human response? What about Jesus command in Matthew 5:43-48 to pray for your enemies and show them kindness?

The prayers for wrath in the Book of Psalms are called the Imprecatory Psalms, and they include Psalms 5, 10, 17, 35, 58, 59, 69, 70, 79, 83, 109, 129, 137 and 140. “Imprecate” means “to pray evil against” or “to invoke curse upon” someone. What can we as Christians learn from these vengeful prayers?

1. David called for God’s vengeance.

As king of Israel, David lead his army against the enemy to destroy them. But when it came to his personal enemies, rather than taking revenge himself, David called on God to do it, leaving it in God’s hands. This is in obedience to what God said in Deuteronomy 32:35-36 ,

“Vengeance is mine, and recompense,

for the time when their foot shall slip;

for the day of their calamity is at hand,

and their doom comes swiftly.’

For the Lord will vindicate his people

and have compassion on his servants”

Basically, David is calling on God to fulfill His promise.

2. Vengeance belongs to the Lord.

Psalm 40:14

“Let those be ashamed and humiliated together who seek my life to destroy it. Let those be turned back and dishonored who delight in my hurt.”

Psalm 71:13

“Let those who are adversaries of my soul be ashamed and consumed. Let them be covered with reproach and dishonor, who seek to injure me.”

In these prayers David does not go out and attack his personal enemies He simply leaves them to the wrath of God.

Paul repeats this idea to believers, quoting the verse in Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Notice that it is not saying that there will be no wrath against those who attack God’s people. You see, we (God’s people) have been given the righteousness of Christ, and so when we are attacked, the righteousness of Christ is attacked. But this is why it is Christ who will bring judgment and justice when He returns, because it is His righteousness that the enemies of God have attacked, not our own. We are in Christ, and the Holy Spirit is in us, so when we are attacked, Christ is attacked. (I’m not talking negative consequences for our actions, but true persecution.)

Here is another verse that shows that this idea of believers calling on God for justice carries to the end of the ages:

Revelation 6:9-11

“When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the witness they had borne. They cried out with a loud voice, “O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?” Then they were each given a white robe and told to rest a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and their brothers should be complete, who were to be killed as they themselves had been.”

3. In the Old Testament, under the Law, justice meant fair punishment for the sin or crime.

For there not to have been vengeance would have meant injustice. But to New Testament believers, who were condemned under the law, but forgiven and justified through Jesus, we are called to pray for our enemies, condemned under the Law as we once were, that they may come to know that same forgiveness and justification that we were given by grace. David didn’t know about Jesus or the sacrifice Jesus would make. We do now know this, and it gives us greater responsibility to be like Christ in forgiving our enemies, just as He forgave us while we were still His enemies. That is the “love your enemies” verse, that we should love them in the sense of praying for their salvation and telling them about Christ if they will listen.

Jesus brought in a new covenant with His people, (1 Corinthians 11:25 “In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”) In which He offered payment for sins so that now God’s holiness is expressed through bringing people into the righteousness and mercy of Christ. For this reason, instead of praying for punishment of those who offend us, we first forgive as God has forgiven us, and we pray that God will bring His forgiveness and righteousness into their life.

Matthew 5:20

“For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

The scribes and Pharisees were known for following the law with behavioral exactness; Jesus calls on His people to exceed this by having hearts internally transformed to be like the Father

Matthew 5:44-45

“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

4. God wants us to hate the enemies of our souls.

God’s people sin when they fail to hate what God hates, like spiritual adultery, lies, pride etc. The New Testament says we battle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities (the kingdom of Satan and the world). God wants us to have the passionate hatred for sin and evil, and all that promotes evil. He wants us to absolutely not tolerate it in our lives, but to resist the devil, and to get rid of the evil things. Have imprecatory attitudes towards all that threatens our well-being by leading us away from God. It is a godly thing to hate evil and injustice and to pray against it. Sometimes we get so used to seeing evil that we become complacent with it. We should continue to abhor the things that God hates. The imprecatory psalms remind us that prayer is a powerful weapon against evil, both externally and the evil we find within ourselves.

Furthermore, let’s look again at Psalm 109:9-10,

“May his children be fatherless

and his wife a widow!

May his children wander about and beg,

seeking food far from the ruins they inhabit!”

David is saying may this evil man die young, which would leave his children as orphan and his wife as a widow. This would leave them as beggars, as a consequence of the outcome of the guy’s evil choices, not as a direct curse on them. Sin doesn’t affect just the sinner; it has consequences for the innocent too. This is another reason we must not take sin lightly. On the contrary, we should hate evil and be disgusted by it.

The question may arise, “Should we as Christians today ever pray the Imprecatory Psalms?”

Today as always there exist malicious, militant groups such as ISIS who are every bit as evil as the enemies of David. Should we, like David, pray God’s wrath upon evil regimes?

The church’s mission is to feed the worldwide flock of Christians, not hope for the downfall of non-believers. Actively torturing and calling for the downfall of “infidel” is exactly what ISIS does and what makes them so diabolical. We as Christian are not called to such degeneracy, nor are we even to harbor the desire of violence. We are to hate evil with a passion, but we are to show kindness and love to non-believers and pray for their salvation.

We must note that David was a king; a ruler of a nation. The imprecatory psalms were not directed merely at David’s personal enemies, but at evil regimes who were actively committing heinous crimes and attacks against nations.

Psalm 59:5

“You, Lord God of hosts, are God of Israel.

Rouse yourself to punish all the nations;

spare none of those who treacherously plot evil.”

In short, we are not to pray God’s wrath upon our obnoxious neighbors who anger and annoy us. And we are not to pray God’s wrath upon those who differ in their doctrine from us. Since Jesus has opened up the doors of salvation, the best thing we can do is to pray for the salvation of our fellow human beings. We’re to pray God’s wrath upon the enemies of our souls; evil itself which we find in the world. My conclusion is that believers bring their honest feelings and thoughts to the Lord, and pray for the righteousness of His kingdom to come upon this earth, but for those who hurt them personally, believers are not to pray imprecatory prayers, but to pray that God will save and/or sanctify them, giving them mercy and grace, just as He has given to the believer. This, of course, can only be done by the power of the Holy Spirit, and is part of the tools that He uses to make us like our Father in heaven.

Life as a Foreigner

A Difficult Month

Posted on 16/12/2017 by Anna

This past month has been very hard for our whole family. In November my Amith’s dear Uncle Ajith died very suddenly and went to be with the Lord. He was like a second father to my husband and was always loving and supportive of us as a couple. He loved Jesus, and Amith would call him every week to share something he’d learned in scripture.

We went to my husband’s hometown for the funeral and stayed there for a couple of weeks. It was a stressful and emotionally difficult time. While we were there I contracted a terribly painful stomach bug which had me rushing to the bathroom every hour. That lasted for four days, and some symptoms didn’t subside until a few days ago.

Since returning home we’ve been incredibly busy, running around like decapitated chickens. While Christmas in the USA is supposed to be a relaxing time with family, Christmas in India is a very active time for helping others.

Which really in a sense captures the spirit of Christmas more accurately.

Christmas time is hard for me as I miss my family, our traditions and our home in America. But I know that Jesus understands exactly how I feel as He left His Father and His home in heaven to come live on earth.

Although this month has been tough, there are some very joyous things to proclaim;

Our first anniversary was on November 30th!

I find myself at a loss for words to express the great joy I have in being married to my husband. What an amazing, godly man he is! His passion for Jesus always inspires me.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that when a marriage is based on Christ, and both husband and wife are focused on Him, their relationship will blossom and their lives will be fulfilling.

A year has passed, and I am more deeply in love with my husband than ever.

Next month we’re going on vacation to Thailand! This will be a time of very much-needed rest, and we are very excited!

I’m thankful I got to know Uncle Ajith for at least a year and a half. I’m thankful Knowing that we’ll see him again in heaven. I’m thankful that I’m feeling better and able to participate in the current Christmas events. I’m thankful for my husband and for our upcoming vacation.

I’m only human and I haven’t always had a positive attitude. I’ve been tired, cranky and depressed often. But through it all, I know that God is good and He is the true bringer of joy.

Church & Ministry Life

Remembering Who the Chief Shepherd is

Posted on 06/11/201731/10/2017 by Anna

Psalm 95:6-7

“Oh come, let us worship and bow down;

let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

For he is our God,

and we are the people of his pasture,

and the sheep of his hand…”

We don’t have a whole lot of shepherds in the urban city where my husband and I live. However in the outskirts of town occasionally I see boys herding livestock across the road, resulting in rather comical traffic blockage for at least couple minutes. One thing seems clear about shepherds; they don’t leave their flocks unattended. They keep their eyes ever watchful on their animals to make sure no harm befalls them. If one strays away, of course they’ll round it up and bring it back into the flock.

Christians, especially those of us in leadership-type positions in ministry, see ourselves as shepherds of our congregation. Just as Ephesians 4:11-12 says, “And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ.” The word “pastor” even originates from the Latin word for shepherd. As Christians, we are called to love the church, feed each other from The Word and be united…however that doesn’t always happen. The reason is simple: we are human.

Ministers have a deep sense of responsibility to their congregation, as they should, but that can create a heavy burden if taken too far. I’ve heard pastors talk about how disappointed they feel when they’ve invested so much into an individual or family in the church who ends up leaving. Ministers sometimes have a vague sense of betrayal when a team member or layperson leaves to become involved in another ministry. Why? We feel “our flock” needs to stick with us and stick together. If they don’t, then we have failed as ministers.

But ultimately, we can’t control others or circumstances. Sometimes despite our best efforts, Christians have fights and falling-outs. Sometimes God will lead our team members to new places and new areas in ministry which we don’t understand. We don’t always have the ability to “leave the ninety-nine,” for the one who’s left or gone astray. That’s God’s job. God is the one who is supposed to pursue us individually, and even with the best possible ministry team, a person will not grow in their walk with God unless He helps them and works in their heart.

Philippians 1:6

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

This is important to know on a family level as well. We may be discouraged if we see our husbands sinning or making unwise decisions, and it’s even more frustrating if they won’t listen to our feedback. Even if we’re sure we’re right about an issue, persistently repeating the same advice or criticism will quickly become nagging, which will only make things worse. It’s not our job to change our husbands; it’s our job to pray for them and to encourage them, graciously and humbly, in their walk with God. Allow God to make your husband the man the Lord wants Him to be.

The same thing goes for our children. God may give us a husband, children, team members…but they’re all gifts. We don’t own anyone and we can’t shepherd the way God can. While we’re called to encourage and be like Christ, we must also humbly keep in mind that He is the chief shepherd.

1 Peter 5:4-6

“And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,”

In ministry do you see yourself as an apostle, a prophet, an evangelist, a shepherd or a teacher?

Have you ever felt hurt by anyone leaving after you’d been ministering to them?

In what ways has God reminded you of His authority?

Intercultural Romance

The Purpose of Marriage

Posted on 04/11/201719/09/2025 by Anna

The conflict in any relationship is usually do to ungodly behavior in one or both of the parties. That is one reason it must be your top priority to spend time in The Word and praying that God will deepen your relationship in Him. Pray for the fruits of the Spirit to manifest in you abundantly. It’s also your duty to encourage your spouse to grow in his or her relationship with God as well.

But even deeper than that, it’s most important that we don’t loose focus of the purpose of marriage!

Francis Chan writes in an article titled, “Marriage on the Edge of Eternity,”

“It’s understandable that we spend a lot of time teaching through Ephesians 5. After all, families are falling apart…’

‘Because divorce runs so rampant even in the church, it makes sense that we tend to overcompensate by emphasizing marriage more than Scripture does. But by doing so, we may be hurting marriages rather than mending them. Couples become self-centered, rather than mission-focused. Singles who once radically served Jesus now spend their days merely improving and enjoying their marriage. Either that, or they quarrel incessantly and spend their days in counseling and despair. Either way, they become virtually worthless for kingdom purposes…’

‘The goal is “undivided devotion to the Lord.” Meditate on those words. Remember that the Bible is not a book about marriage; it is a book about God. The best thing we can do with our brief lives is to devote ourselves to him and his mission. This is the goal. And marriage can actually help us achieve this goal.”

The goal here is “undivided devotion to the Lord.” Marriage, even the most glorious, fulfilling marriage is not the goal. It’s just a gift God may gives us as we travel through life to help us in our walk with Him. That is also why it’s targeted by the enemy to be made into something profane. This life is short; it’s up to you to allow God to work in your marriage that it may catapult you closer to Him and glorify His name.

1 Corinthians 7:27–29

Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none.

The awesome thing about being married is that these godly qualities have the potential to develop more over time as your practice Christ-like behavior and attitudes towards your spouse. Thus not only with your romance and love for each other deepen, but you will experience God in a newer and more powerful way than ever before as your heart becomes like His.

Sources:

Francis Chan, “Marriage on the Edge of Eternity.” 17, October 2014

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/marriage-on-the-edge-of-eternity 9/28/17

Intercultural Romance

Tying the Intercultural Knot

Posted on 03/11/201719/09/2025 by Anna

I love the man I married. I want to see him grow in his relationship with the Lord, but I don’t want to change who he is as a person — and who he is as a person who grew up in India. If I wanted a man who acted like an American I could have married an American. As it is, I need to see things from Amith’s perspective and learn to appreciate our cultural differences, as they have the potential to make us a stronger and more diverse couple.

I know he wishes I could cook his regional food well, but I haven’t yet mastered even simple dishes. However instead of saying, “A good Indian wife can cook well!” He says, “You’re an American wife and you haven’t learned our customs. But you can do other things well which a typical Indian cannot!”

There are basics skills which couples should have in any marriage, intercultural or not, such as communication, fair fighting, kindness, understanding and forgiveness. However, in an intercultural marriage there will be normal human struggles, plus there may be even more struggles in communication and understanding what our spouse expects from us. From my own experience and talking with others who are married interculturally we’ve made the following list of fine points which help being married interculturally.

– Speak and Learn each other’s language.

Communication is critically important to any relationship. I am super thankful that my husband can speak English like an American; that’s been a huge blessing in our relationship. Ideally a husband and wife would speak each other’s language fluently)because language barriers can cause marital issues at times. That won’t always happen in real life as some of us are not naturally apt to learn languages, but with time you and your spouse will learn to understand each other better and better. In the meantime, make language learning a priority.

– Both of you should get exposure to other cultures.

This will help you both to learn to think in different ways and be more flexible. Also, learning to eat and enjoy a wide variety of foods from different countries will come on (“in” instead of “on”) handy throughout your life. Be adventurous and dig in!

– Discuss how you want to care for each other’s parents.

What it means to “honor your parents” will differ by culture. Discuss how much influence your parents should have in your life as a couple. Should they live with you? How much advice and input should they give? (you could probably expand here, adding a few more points like: caring for elderly parents: do parents have retirement funds? If not, where will they live and how will they be provided for? If in-laws/parents do not live locally, how often are visits expected? Which holidays will be spent with which parents?)

– Plan for periods of separation.

This is a really difficult part of being interculturally married which many people don’t expect or take into account. Sometimes you’ll need to go back to your home country, and maybe your spouse won’t be able to come with you. Be sure to stay in close contact according to how much communication your spouse needs. The period of separation will be hard, but that will make the reunion all the sweeter!

-Don’t do things merely according to your culture’s ideas and traditions. Rather, do what’s practical.

Just because something is traditional doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. This will be especially important to keep in mind when deciding how to raise your children. Saving face is not as important as the well-being of your marriage. In my husband’s culture, the husband can ask the wife to bring him food, even if he is able to get it himself easily. That’s pretty rude in American culture, however my husband is not intending to be rude and it’s no trouble for me, so I comply. And on the other hand, my husband will help with cooking and laundry, which are strictly “women’s work” in his culture. We incorporated both American and Indian traditions into our wedding, and that has been the way our lifestyle has rolled ever since.

– Ideas about sex.

Sex is a gift from God and very important between a husband and wife because its main purpose is for bonding and expressing love, along with the secondary purpose of having children. However different cultures can have vastly different ideas and feelings regarding sex. Some cultures expect the man to have a stronger sex drive than the woman. Other cultures say having sex on the wife’s period is wrong. Sex is a very uncomfortable subject of discussion for many people as it’s so deeply personal, and in many cultures people will not speak of it at all.

It’s vital to look to the Bible for answers. From studying the Bible carefully, we’ve found that anything a husband and wife do between the two of them is fine, as long as they both consent to it. Show kindness to your spouse by accommodating as best you can to their sexual desires and needs; that includes times of abstinence if they have a low libido.

Also, what the husband and wife do should be a special, intimate secret between the two of them. That being said, physical and emotional problems relating to intimacy should be discussed with a doctor or professional therapist.

– Show respect to each other’s countries and cultures.

At any given time, one of you is probably going to be homesick. When you’re homesick, be careful not to complain about your spouse’s culture or make negative general statements about their countrymen. Your spouse’s culture is a part of who they are as a person. In a sense, it would be like whining constantly about the things that annoy you about your spouse – and no one wants to live with a person like that!

On the flip side, you should be free to express things which upset you, as long as you don’t become bitter or complaining. When your spouse is homesick, if he/she begins to talk negatively about your culture, be patient and do your best to comfort your spouse. Most people hit a plateau of depression when they’re adjusting to a new culture, but it doesn’t last forever.

– Family Planning

On a similar line, if an intercultural couple wants to have children, I would encourage them to wait at least a year after marriage to try and conceive. During your first year of marriage, not only are you adjusting to living with your spouse but you are also learning to live in a new culture — if not also a new country. It’s important during this adjustment period you focus on building your relationship, establish some routines and learn all you can about each others’ cultures. That can be quite a strenuous period of time in and of itself, and adding pregnancy and the responsibility of caring for a baby at this adjustment period will be overwhelming for most people.

A great deal of intercultural couples experience depression, stress and marital conflict resulting from having a baby immediately after marrying.

However, all this being said, the optimal time for a couple to have a baby will be determined by their individual circumstances.