“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
–1 John 4:10
I want to follow God. I know the ultimate outcome will be for the best when we obey Him. One of my best friends once confided in me that she was actually anxious that she would disobey God and fall away from Him. At that time, I also had the same fear deep down inside. I’ve always known that my salvation is secure, but I still feared the consequences of my own mistakes.
Here are four important truths I have learned since then:
1. God wants to help us obey Him.
This is a fact the New Testament talks about a lot. When Jesus sent believers the Holy Spirit, He sent us someone to help us follow Him.
“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” –Romans 8:13
“Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” –Galations 5:16
God transforms us to be like Him, and in doing so, be begin to desire the same things as God.
2. Even if we don’t listen to Him, God is still in control.
While we’ll face consequences when we disobey God, He is still in control. If my son disobeys me by playing with a candle, he’ll certainly get burned. However, I’m not going to reject him as my child: as a matter of fact, I’ll apply cold water and aloe to his burn. No matter what he does, even if he grows up to make huge mistakes in life, I’ll still be his mother. Even if I make terrible mistakes in life, God is still my father, and that’s what my hope is founded in.
3. God’s forgiveness is complete.
Our sins disappoint us, but they don’t disappoint God.
“For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.” –Hebrews 8:12
“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” –2 Corinthians 5:21
On the cross Jesus saw all of the sins we would ever commit and he took all of the punishment we deserved on Himself.
4. God’s love is unconditional.
My mother told me when she was a child, songs were sung in her church which confused her idea of who God is. I found one of them:
“Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see, Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see. There’s a Father up above looking down in love, So, be careful, little eyes, what you see.”
This song painted a picture for my mom and many of her peers of a harsh old father who is waiting to reward us if we’re good and punish us if we’re bad.
The Bible, however, tells us of Someone who loves us faithfully and unconditionally. He gave us everything in Him and died so that we could have a relationship with Him. Having a relationship with God is in itself the greatest blessing a person could have. Instead of fearing that we might disobey Him, He wants us to find peace and security in Him.
This Christmas season, may we remember why Jesus came into this world: to make a way to have a relationship with Him.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
-Psalm 119:105
For many years I’ve thought about what the Bible says about the roles women play in edifying the church. There are scriptures which seem to forbid women from leadership and teaching positions, but then there are also stories about women who are in leadership and teaching positions. All scripture is sacred as the inspired word of God, and heaven forbid we should undermine any part of it.
How then should a godly woman minister if her gifts are suited to teaching and leadership positions?
1 Timothy 2:12
“I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.“
1 Corinthians 14:34-35
“the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says.If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”
These are verses which say that women are not allowed to lead or teach in the church, but rather must remain silent. However, there are passages in the Bible where women are leading and teaching, and Paul thanks them. What, then, are we to conclude?
There are many, many instances in scripture in where God places women in roles of teaching and leadership. Just to list a few:
Deborah
In Judges 4-5, we find the story of Deborah; a national leader ordained by God.
Mary Magdalene
In John 20:8, when Mary Magdalene saw Jesus after His resurrection, he told her to go and share the good news with the Disciples. She was the first person to share the news that Jesus had risen from the dead — in that sense she can be viewed as the first evangelist.
Phoebe
In Romans 16:1, Paul sends his regards to a deacon named Phoebe.
In Acts 21:8-9 we see that Phillip had four unmarried daughters who prophesied. These are just a few examples of the many female leaders and teachers in the Bible. There are so many more found throughout the ages that I don’t think they can be counted as exceptions. Furthermore, if we start saying that women can’t teach in the church, then were are we to draw the line? Can they teach a mixed-gendered Sunday School? If they can’t teach in church, can they teach in schools? Can they teach at seminars? Can they teach their male family members?
From my own personal studies, I think it can be concluded that when Paul forbad women from teaching in churches it was for a specific situation and era. Paul often spoke to specific situations in the churches he knew. Imagine if we applied all of his advice to today’s church. (Imagine greeting people at church by kissing them.)
Not also in 1 Timothy when he says, “I don’t allow a woman to teach.” He did not say, “God does not allow a woman to teach.”
When talking about marriage, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:6-12,
“Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband(but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her.”
All scripture is accurate and God-breathed, however Paul specified when he was stating his own personal thoughts rather than a timeless command from The Lord. Note that the wording he uses in 1 Corinthians 7:6-12 to indicate his own thoughts is similar to the wording he used in 1 Timothy 2:7.
The question is how do we discern what commandments in the Bible are basic moral principals and what were instructions for a specific time and situation? How do we know what parts of the Bible apply to us today? It goes without saying that we as Christians want to be very careful to not hold the word of God as being disregardable, echoing Psalm 119:11,
I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.
The Holy Spirit has promised to lead us to all truth (John 16:13). We can ask Him for help and discernment in all areas of our lives — He’s eager to help us better understand His word! Here are some things a person may keep in mind when reading the Bible:
Take the whole of scripture into consideration, not just one verse. Look at the verse, passage, chapter, book author and testament/covenant to understand the correct context.
Take special note of moral commands which are repeated throughout both the Old and New Testaments.
It’s important to also understand the cultural context of scripture. While the books of the Bible were written in a different time and culture, the messages remain relevant. Try to find reliable sources which could help you understand how the original audience would have understood the text.
A separate issue which is frequently brought up in churches is the subject of women serving specifically as a church’s pastor. A pastor’s role entails more than just preaching. This is a subject I would like to explore in more detail in a later post. I pray that God gives me wisdom in studying His word.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
HarperCollins announced that they are pulling books by Ravi Zachariahs in light of the late apologist’s alleged sex crimes. [1]
When I first heard of the atrocities committed by this intellectual I admired, I didn’t want to believe the accusations. I was deeply grieved when I read that RZIM had conducted an investigation and found undeniable evidencethat Ravi Zachariahs had indeed molested and abused numerous women, including a hidden stash of lewd photos. [2] He was also found to have spent money that had been set aside for humanitarian work on massage therapists (many of whom he subsequently abused). He actions were undeniably appalling, and it’s hard for me to address this subject without getting emotional.
He was an influential Christian apologist. Countless people looked up to Ravi Zachariahs, myself included. I remember years ago attending a conference where he was speaking. A very young boy was in attendance, and it was his birthday. He had wanted nothing more than to meet Ravi Zachariahs in person. I remember him calling the boy onstage and greeting him, much to the child’s great awe and delight. I wonder now where that boy is and what he thinks of his childhood hero. My heart breaks for the victims of Ravi. I also wonder what kind of nightmare the Zachariahs family must be living in, and my prayers go out to them.
I dare say the biggest mistake RZIM made as a ministry was making “RZ” their poster child instead of making Christ the most important figure. This is a perfect environment for cultivating spiritual abuse and gaslighting. In such atmospheres, anyone who criticizes a leader or questions his behavior is then demonized. When women had brought complaints against Ravi Zachariahs while he was still living, the allegations were swept aside instead of being investigated.
1 John 1:8 says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” There is a story I heard which goes like this: a man is praying and reading his Bible. Inspired by Noah’s faith, he asks God to help him to be like Noah.
God says, “Noah drank too much and made a fool of himself. Do you want to be a drunkard?”
The man, taken aback, rethinks his prayer and says, “Then make me like Abraham.”
God remind him, “Abraham had sex with a young slave girl.”
The man says, “Then make me like Moses…”
God reminds him of the murder committed by Moses. The man thinks of every hero of the Bible, and God reminds him of every sin each one committed. Finally the man says, “Then make me like Jesus.”
God answers, “Now you understand!”
I think of David, the King who coerced a married woman into having sex with him and then murdered her husband (2 Samuel 11). Even godly people we admire and look up to are capable of unspeakable evil because every human heart has been corrupted by sin. David, however, lived before the Holy Sprit dwelled within us as Christians, and so David wasn’t born again. Even so, he repented and showed deep grief and remorse when the prophet Nathan boldly rebuked him for his actions.
Carson Weitnauer was brought to Christ after Ravi Zachariahs personally witnessed to him. Weitnauer became a member of RZIM and wrote an article detailing the differences between King David and Ravi Zachariahs. [3] He speaks of how these two men were given different commissions in the first place and had very different responses when confronted about their sins. Weitnauer goes on to say
“My prayer is that this scandal will be an opportunity for self-examination. This is a good time to humble ourselves before God, cherish the sweetness of his grace in our own hearts, and be vulnerable about our sin with trusted friends. Sadly, Ravi’s life now testifies even more loudly that sin has a terrible price.”
As Christians, we must be honest and speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:25). It’s vital that we remain humble and let our ministry flow from a Christ-centered life and personal, loving relationship with God rather than try to sanctify ourselves by our own good deeds.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” -Ephesians 2:8-9
In his article, “A Catastrophic Betrayal,” Carson Weitnauer states how he believes RZIM should respond,
“As Jesus took the unpleasant and unpopular step to expose hypocritical leaders, so we must not silence those who tell us the truth about Ravi’s egregious abuses. Instead, RZIM must change its name, remove Ravi’s material, repent for its many failures, and provide a restorative response to the harm that Ravi’s victims experienced. The depth of complicity by the board and senior leadership in this cover-up must be clearly established. Finally, an organization with credibility in the survivor community must be hired to do a thorough assessment of the organization and its culture, and their proposals for reform will need to be implemented.
If they want to avoid following RZIM’s example, Christian ministries and churches should rigorously evaluate how their systems and culture could prevent them from personally experiencing this crisis. May God give us the clarity and courage we need to become faithful advocates for the survivors of abuse — and to deter such abuse from occurring in the future. ” [4]
As for the rest of us, should we burn Ravi Zachariahs’ books? Reading a book written by him now will be hard for me as the dark shadow of his crimes taints his words. However he was a man who knew a lot, and I think there is still much to be learned from his talks and writings. God has used even secular people for his glory, and there are many books we can learn from which were written by people who never claimed Christianity in the first place.
God uses everything for His glory. I give praise to Him that He’s able to do good for the world through even a dysfunctional ministry such as RZIM. Just imagine the amazing things He could do through a Christ-centered ministry or an individual who possessed true humility.
I pray earnestly that more ministry leaders in future will really,truly understand that there is forgiveness in Christ and that they can come to Him with their sins. 1 John 1:9-10 says,
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”
Every single one of us struggles with sin, but God loves us and doesn’t want us to hide from Him in shame. I pray that, like King David, we will turn to God and repent honestly, knowing that God will be faithful to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I also pray that all of us will be blessed with godly friends who will bravely speak truth to us that way Nathan did and hold us accountable. Ministry must flow from a God-centered personal life, and the Holy Spirit is the only one capable of transforming us into worthy vessals to be used by God for His glory.
My mom and I were out shopping for Christmas decoration craft supplies. On the way home we stopped at the store where my husband works. When we parked outside, my son recognized where we were and became excited.
“Daddy!” Asaph exclaimed gleefully.
But when we entered the store we were told by one of his coworkers that my husband had gotten off early. We shrugged and headed back to the car.
“Daddy?!” Asaph protested.
“Daddy’s at home. We’ll see him in a few minutes,” I explained.
As my mom opened the car door, Asaph clung to it with his chubby, yet surprisingly strong little fists.
“Daddy! DADDY!!!” He wailed.
“We’re going home to see daddy! We’ll see him soon!” I explained again as I pried his tiny toddler fingers off the door and strapped him to his car seat.
“DADDY!!! DADDY!!! DADDYYYYYY!!!” He screamed on the ten-minute drive home as though his heart was breaking.
Needless to say, a few minutes later he was overjoyed to see for himself that his father was indeed still alive!
It was so sad yet so funny to see Asaph so upset over nothing. He understands a lot, but apparently he couldn’t understand that he would be with his daddy in just a little while. I felt that there were metaphors to be drawn from my son’s tears. It made me more self-aware: this must be how we look to God when we’re waiting for an answer to prayer.
Patience is a very important fruit of the Spirit. When love is described in 1 Corinthians 13, the first verse says, “Love is patient.” All of us, deep down, are just tantruming toddlers. Who am I kidding: it may not even be all that deep down. Patience is not something we can create in ourselves; it takes the Holy Spirit to help us. If we ask the Holy Spirit, He’ll be faithful to make us patient.
I tried explaining to Asaph again and again that his daddy was at home and he could be with him very soon. Yet Asaph could not understand. Likewise, we may panic when we can’t understand what God is doing. Uncertainty is terrifying. We must trust in our Heavenly Father and have faith in Him. Just like the man in Mark chapter 9, we can cry out to Jesus and ask, “Help my unbelief!” The Holy Spirit wants to help us trust in Him.
“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint”
“Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise menfrom the east came to Jerusalem, saying, ‘Where is He who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw His star when it rose and have come to worship Him.’ When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him; and assembling all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. They told him, ‘In Bethlehem of Judea, for so it is written by the prophet:
‘And you, O Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for from you shall come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel.’”
–Matthew 2:1-6
The wise men followed the star of Bethlehem. They assumed it was leading them to King Herod’s palace. It’s logical that the prophesied savior would be born in a palace, but because they stopped following God’s leading they went a direction which diverted from Jesus. Herod was alarmed by the wise men’s news of a savior and because of his fear, he had all the baby boys in Bethlehem murdered. It’s possible that if the wise men had just kept following the star, Herod would not have known about Jesus, nor would he have murdered the babies.
This should serve as a reminder to us of the importance of having faith in God’s leading and not simply assuming what His will is. Even though the wise men diverted from the path God intended for them, He was still in control. He warned Joseph and Mary and protected Jesus from harm.
God allows us to choose our own path in life. He allowed the wise men to go to Herod’s palace. He allowed Herod to cause the great suffering prophesied in Jeremiah 31:15;
“A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be comforted, because they are no more.”
I used to be anxious and fearful that I would stray from God’s will. Simply by reading the Bible, or the news for that matter, we can see the terrible consequences which come from disobeying God. Now, however, I take comfort in knowing that God is always in control even when we make mistakes. It was God giving freedom of choice to Herod which allowed him to kill those babies. Those little boys were too small to know right from wrong and must have gone to heaven. It was only the families left behind who suffered unbearable grief.
In all the chaos, God still carried out His plan:
“Now when they had departed, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, ‘Rise, take the child and His mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy Him.’And he rose and took the child and His mother by night and departed to Egyptand remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet, ‘Out of Egypt I called my son.'” -Matthew 2:13-15
God protected Jesus, His own son, until the right time. Then He allowed Him to be tortured to death for our sins and share in the grief and suffering of humanity. Now we have the option to be adopted as God’s children and join our loved ones in heaven. We can have faith and take comfort in knowing that God has our best interests at heart. He can see “the greater good.” I dare say He IS the greater good. God is able to fulfill His will despite our mistakes.
Furthermore, just as the wise men went back to following the star when they didn’t find Jesus at the palace, it’s never too late for us to turn back to God’s will for us. He’ll always be there, eager to lead us where He wants us to go. James 1:5 promises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
Trust that God is bigger than your mistakes. Trust that He loves you and that you can rest in Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5-6
I once overheard another Indian man asking Amith if it’s difficult being married to someone from a different culture. My husband’s answer has kept me smiling ever since;
“Being married to an American girl is great! She doesn’t want gold jewelry; I just get her pizza and she’s happy!”
There are things about me many men would find irksome, especially in India. I find sewing and cooking tedious and will do so only when absolutely needed. I’m uncomfortable at large gatherings and I take a VERY casual approach to being a hostess. I’d rather have alone time and quiet. I don’t know how to communicate besides saying honestly what I’m thinking, which is considered rather charming in America, but in India…not so much.
Because of these things, I know there are a great deal of people across the globe who would not think I’m great wife material. I know that Amith wishes I would cook. I know sometimes I embarrass him when I speak my mind too brashly. And yet he appreciates me not for what I can do, but for who I am.
Because I’m honest, he says he always knows my intentions. I couldn’t hide an agenda if I tried. My husband is introverted, and so appreciates and sympathizes with my discomfort in large crowds. He says that in me he has someone he can be himself around. I value friendship and relational intimacy more than what my spouse can do for me, and I know Amith feels the same.
1 John 4:7-8 days, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
God also loves us not for what we can do for Him. He loves us just for who we are. Because Amith doesn’t pressure me to be a perfect wife, I feel at peace with him. I have the greatest amount of respect and affection for my husband. Knowing that God loves me even more makes me want to spend more time in His presence and enjoy His company.
I wish with every part of my being that every couple would know God’s gracious, faithful love for us. It changes a person into the best version of themselves: the person God made them to be.
I’m continually thankful that God gave me a husband who displays His love.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:27
As my son grows from a baby into a toddler I find him becoming progressively less clingy, allowing me short periods of time to connect with the things I enjoy. In this strange quarentine time I’ve been exploring hobbies I enjoyed when I was younger, such as paper crafts, as well as trying new things like metal stamping and making pin-back buttons. Reading and writing are things I continually struggle to get back into as I find they take longer periods of uninterrupted focus than my son allows.
I feel my soul refreshed as I make art. When I’m able to sell or give away something I make and I see delight on another person’s face, I’m filled with a sense of joy that I could bring a little sunshine into someone else’s day. Maybe God feels this same way when we appreciate the beauty of nature.
An incident which inspired me was when I painted rocks to leave in a painted rock exchange box at my favorite coffee shop. As I sat sipping my coffee, I saw a little girl go up to the box. She picked out one I had painted which had a Bible verse on it (1 John 4:7, if I recall). The little girl picked it up and exclaimed, “Mommy, this is the best one!”
The girl’s mother wore a dark t-shirt which was covered in pentagrams and goat skulls. She whispered something to her daughter who then put the rock back. It struck me how presenting scripture through art left an impression, however small, on this little girl whose mother was evidently disinterested in Christian things.
I understand now that a creative outlet is a inbuilt need every person has. Everyone gravitates to differant outlets, but creativity is a reflection of God’s nature in us. Art, crafts, writing, building, engineering and cooking are just a few ways in which different people express their creativity.
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,” -Colossians 3:23 ESV
And so I would encourage my friends and readers to prioritize time for being creative and discovering the personal creative gift which God has given you. And, most importantly, use your God-given creativity to worship Him!
Right now, towards the end of spring 2020, a sense of restlessness has come over many as all around the world people are quarantined at home. I’m no exception and neither is my family. Something I’ve learned, however, is that much of life consists of long periods of tedium. Very soon this quarantine will be over and we’ll go back to our churches, jobs, schools and social gatherings. Then what?
If you’re lucky, work will be fulfilling and exciting at times, but there will inevitably be long seasons in life were it feels tedious. Through much of life excitement and happiness is like a wild rabbit running before a child, always just out of their grasp.
Henry David Thoreau famously said,
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.”
Despite our best efforts, life will feel empty and often boring for periods of time, quarantine or no quarantine. The Devil would like for us to despair at this prospect. But the truth is that God Himself can prevent a Christian’s life from being boring. Following God is an adventure in and of itself. Here are some helpful things to remember:
God is infinite. There’s always something to learn about Him. The wonderful thing about God’s omnipotence is that since He’s endless, we can spend eternity learning new things about Him.
Blessed are those who keep his testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
–Psalm 119:2
We can always talk to God. God listens and cares about everything we experience because He loves us. Just like a good parent will be interested in everything their child has to say, God will listen to us. When you’re bored with life, you can talk to God about it and ask Him to show you what He wants you to do in this season of life.
God reminds us to be thankful for what He’s given us. When life feels boring, it’s easy to develop a negative outlook. Paying attention to the blessings we’re surrounded by and thanking God for them will help us to keep from being bored. If nothing else, we have a relationship with God to be joyful about!
Dependence on worldly comforts and our life’s situation will being boredom, tedium and eventually hopelessness. Dependence on God and gratefulness for Him will bring joy into a Christian’s life. This is what Solomon discovered the hard way as we see in the book of Ecclesiastes. We can learn from His mistakes and find our joy in the Lord. Right now, if you’re feeling down, depressed and bored, it may be that God wants to draw you closer to Him, which is the greatest and most exciting adventure of all!
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
A while ago I decided to delete my original blog on blogspot, but I had to save my very first post from my very first blog — cringe and all:
04/05/2015 15:04
I have never had a blog before, and I have no idea what I’m doing. But I had a sudden impulse to share my innermost thoughts with the big, wide world.
So…let’s see if I can figure this out…hmm…
2015 was only 5 years ago, but it feels like an eternity. When I started writing, I was in a dark place and my heart felt lonely, hopeless and desolate. The details of what lead to this are deeply personal, but suffice it to say I was grieving unfulfilled dreams and broken relationships. My writing reflected that sadness and loss. In my grief, I ran to God and leaned on Him. It was during that time that I experienced a sort of spiritual growth spurt — all the growing pains included. I learned what it really meant to delight in the Lord, even in the most painful of circumstances.
Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” People too often fixate on the latter part, “He will give you the desires of your heart” and they forget the command, “Delight yourself in the Lord.” Christians often feel that if they are obedient enough to the Lord that he’ll reward them with what they want. But God wants to give us so much more than what we think we want. God wants to give us His love. When we delight ourselves in the Lord He Himself becomes our greatest desire.
God is everything to us: there is no need of ours that He can’t meet. People fail us, but God never fails us.
Since learning these lessons I’ve had the adventure of a lifetime. I’ve seen miracles. God has led me across the globe and I’ve experienced unbelievable things. I’ve made friends who are worth more than their weight in gold. God has made my dreams come true as well as given me even bigger dreams. Now, in this season of life we’ve fallen into routine, but I’m learning to find joy in the interludes between big adventures. In sadness and tedious I find my joy in the Lord.
I’ve also had some fresh trama in the past few years which I’m still working through, but I don’t feel as inhibited as I once was. I’ve been uprooted, moved internationally twice, smaked in the face with culture shock, had a terrible childbirth experience, but I’ve learned to cope thanks to my relationship with Jesus. I look back on my life and I see how God has been faithful to His promise to “heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
I may travel between places which are as different as night and day.
I may have a huge turnover of friends until I reach the point where I can no longer bear to say goodbye.
I may experience exhaustion, burn out, physical and emotional pain.
I may make mistakes I regret.
But through all the ups and downs of life this is my one constant: God’s totally unconditional love for me. This is my foundation and what brings me joy.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Here is my first blog post in many months. Our little guy, Asaph, came in the summer, and I feel like I’ve barely had time to think. I had a bad giving birth: it’s deeply painful even to remember it. Asaph was delivered via forceps. I ended up with twenty stitches (yes, 20) and lost a lot of blood. Half a year has passed and I’ve recovered for the most part, but I still have some healing yet to do both physically and emotionally. I wish to goodness I’d had a c-section.
If I’m being frank and honest, I must say that I’ve never really been fond of babies. I find infant care tedious and overwhelming. Since Asaph was born, I’ve had minimal physical and emotional energy. I’ve felt so distant and disconnected from everyone.
I was afraid that having a baby would hinder me from going out and doing the things I want and need to do. People assured me it wouldn’t be that bad, but actually it’s been even worse than I was afraid of. Indeed, it’s a struggle just to move around the house, feed myself or use the bathroom. My thoughts are disorganized, and it’s incredibly discouraging. I have a very hard time reading my Bible. I’ve even a hard time focusing on my relationship with my husband…and my relationship with God.
All this being said:
Even though I don’t enjoy babies…
Even though I feel out of focus…
Even though my days sometimes feel unbearably tedious and lonely…
…I adore this sweet little cuddly bundle. No pain or sadness I’ve experienced has been his fault. It took a couple of months to feel bonded, but now my heart warms at the delighted smile he gives me when I enter a room. I love his frantic excitement when he sees his daddy. I find his shy yet affectionate personality endearing. I enjoy breastfeeding him and watching him gaze up at me with his big brown eyes.
Although I had a bad experience giving birth, I don’t take anything for granted. I’m thankful that we had access to a great hospital with wonderful, caring staff. I know many women in the world don’t have access to decent medical care. I don’t know why out of all the women and infants in the world Asaph and I should be among those who are alive and well, but I am incredibly grateful.
I’ve come to understand also that God isn’t angry at me for being unable to focus when I read my Bible. He understands my human weakness. I was feeling a tad stressed because I felt I wasn’t learning anything from reading scripture. A friend pointed out to me that it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to teach me. Once I realized that, I relaxed and stopped worrying about making myself learn from scripture.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
–Hebrews 4:15-16
This year was kind of hard, but I also have so much to thank God for. And as for the tedium which comes from taking care of a baby, my husband reminds me that this will not last forever. The bigger Asaph gets, the more I enjoy him. He’ll be independent before we know it. God is good.
One more thing. Some people ask how I feel at the thought of having another baby. Well, if my husband happens to read this, I’d like to remind him of that big, beautiful word:
Anna Sojourning 