“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
–Matthew 5:4
At times it seems like in church circles we aren’t allowed to be depressed, sad or despondent around other Christians. While most Christians recognize the acceptability of grieving over a death, many Christians view grieving over other types of losses as either complaining, refusal to accept the will of God or letting your emotions override your faith in God — all of which are sin. This is a tricky one because sometimes it is those things. Sometimes though, in the desire to be a “good Christian,” people do not allow themselves to experience their grief.
A lady who grew up in ministry circles overseas said, “This was certainly true of me. My mind was full of examples like that in Hebrews about how they joyfully accepted the confiscation of their possessions for the sake of Christ, and that I should deny myself, and consider it joy when I encounter trials. So for every ‘forbidden’ grief, I quickly and firmly clamped down on emotions using Scripture as the manhole cover over the poisonous fumes of the septic tank of upset feelings.”
Common “forbidden griefs”
A “forbidden grief” is any grief you feel you must deny or hide, so that could be just about anything. Common ones include:
a) suffering due to bad decisions or consequences to sin (you deserve that)
b) suffering for Christ (you’re supposed to count it all joy)
c) grieving things that are wants but not needs (God is not Santa Claus, be grateful for what you have)
d) disappointed expectations in God, in church or in other believers
e) the list can go for a long time!
A breakup, a move, the loss of a pet, hurt from a friend — anything which changes your life indefinitely — can cause grief. We might not be fully aware of how we’re feeling, and we find that we’re carrying around a heaviness which we can’t quite recognize.
Complaining vs. lamenting.
We know complaining is a sin, and lamenting was done by Jesus, so it is a righteous thing to do. What’s the difference? (I’d like to hear your thoughts on it!) Here is what I think about, though. Lamenting is not arguing with God, it is expressing feelings about a situation that one has accepted from the hand of God, like Jesus pleading, “If you can, take this cup away…” (Luke 22:42) It is not expressing rebellion, but rather, a very human struggle to submit, to find a way to continue on through loss and pain.
Complaining, on the other hand, is slandering the character of God. It is saying, “I am the center, and God is failing to please me. I do not trust His goodness, so I am not grateful.” After seeing all that God had done for them, the Israelites still hardened their hearts against believing in Him and trusting Him:
Psalm 95:8-10
“If only you would listen to his voice today!
The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah,
as they did at Massah in the wilderness.
For there your ancestors tested and tried my patience,
even though they saw everything I did.
For forty years I was angry with them, and I said,
‘They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.
They refuse to do what I tell them.’
Complaining is turning your heart away from God, lamenting is bringing your pain to God.
The Book of Lamentations
Lamentations is expressing the ultimate in “forbidden grief.” It is mourning losses that are a direct consequence of sin, a well-deserved punishment from God. We would say, “You made your bed, now lie in it!” But God never says that to the author. He allowed the author to pour out his grief as the thoughts and feelings came, and He preserved it as part of His inspired Word. This was mind-boggling to me; the thought that God valued the expression of His peoples’ grieving so much that out of all the things He could have selected, He chose to put their lament in His Book.
Psalm 56:8
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
I saw that when we open our vulnerable inner selves to God, He treasures it; He treasures us. There is no “forbidden grief” on His list.
Lamentations is publically expressed grief.
There is no hint here that it is spiritual maturity to have full control of your emotions, or that it is a sign of faith in God to be stoical about the things that hurt. This author pours it out in public and invites others to join him. It’s not a quiet 5-minute suppressed sniffling at a funeral, it is crying out the hurt, long and loud. Here is what we see can result from public lamenting:
a) It becomes a shared experience that bonds us, makes us feel less alone in our grief, and lightens the load of grief as we carry it together.
b) It gives us the chance to share different perspectives, Scriptures, encouragements etc so that any one person is less at risk of getting permanently stuck in their grief.
c) It brings us as a people (a church) to a place of dependence and calling on God, humbling us, cleansing us, and (hopefully) resulting in renewed worship.
d) It models how to lament our grief to others. It shows others how to get their pain out and let us be with them in that pain. The Bible says to imitate our leaders, which implies, I believe, that our leaders lament their grief so we can see how we also can be like Jesus, a people “of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3)
e) It can serve as a witness to our brothers and sisters and the outside world as they see our pain, but as we turn to God in it, He is there. Look how Job’s lamenting has encouraged believers over the centuries.
God actually encourages public lament. It becomes a doorway that, as we open it, allows God to enter into very vulnerable places in our hearts, both privately and corporately.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:”
“a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”
Lamentations describes a process of grief.
It’s a journey with shifting perspectives between internal and external focus, despair and hope, downs and ups and downs again. Lamentations teaches us that there is no rush to resolve things, that it is OK to let grief unfold just the way it happens to do so in your mind and heart. Therefore, although the lament is shared, the grieving process will be different for everyone; this is not a moral issue, merely one of individuality.
God invites us to more than a simple relief from pain He invites us to share our burdens and sorrows on Him, because He cares for us. No matter how deep our sadness is, however, we can know that we have hope in Jesus, who makes all things come together for our good. As Lamentations 3:22-24 says,
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul,
‘therefore I will hope in him.'”
Anna Sojourning 