I love the man I married. I want to see him grow in his relationship with the Lord, but I don’t want to change who he is as a person — and who he is as a person who grew up in India. If I wanted a man who acted like an American I could have married an American. As it is, I need to see things from Amith’s perspective and learn to appreciate our cultural differences, as they have the potential to make us a stronger and more diverse couple.
I know he wishes I could cook his regional food well, but I haven’t yet mastered even simple dishes. However instead of saying, “A good Indian wife can cook well!” He says, “You’re an American wife and you haven’t learned our customs. But you can do other things well which a typical Indian cannot!”
There are basics skills which couples should have in any marriage, intercultural or not, such as communication, fair fighting, kindness, understanding and forgiveness. However, in an intercultural marriage there will be normal human struggles, plus there may be even more struggles in communication and understanding what our spouse expects from us. From my own experience and talking with others who are married interculturally we’ve made the following list of fine points which help being married interculturally.
– Speak and Learn each other’s language.
Communication is critically important to any relationship. I am super thankful that my husband can speak English like an American; that’s been a huge blessing in our relationship. Ideally a husband and wife would speak each other’s language fluently)because language barriers can cause marital issues at times. That won’t always happen in real life as some of us are not naturally apt to learn languages, but with time you and your spouse will learn to understand each other better and better. In the meantime, make language learning a priority.
– Both of you should get exposure to other cultures.
This will help you both to learn to think in different ways and be more flexible. Also, learning to eat and enjoy a wide variety of foods from different countries will come on (“in” instead of “on”) handy throughout your life. Be adventurous and dig in!
– Discuss how you want to care for each other’s parents.
What it means to “honor your parents” will differ by culture. Discuss how much influence your parents should have in your life as a couple. Should they live with you? How much advice and input should they give? (you could probably expand here, adding a few more points like: caring for elderly parents: do parents have retirement funds? If not, where will they live and how will they be provided for? If in-laws/parents do not live locally, how often are visits expected? Which holidays will be spent with which parents?)
– Plan for periods of separation.
This is a really difficult part of being interculturally married which many people don’t expect or take into account. Sometimes you’ll need to go back to your home country, and maybe your spouse won’t be able to come with you. Be sure to stay in close contact according to how much communication your spouse needs. The period of separation will be hard, but that will make the reunion all the sweeter!
-Don’t do things merely according to your culture’s ideas and traditions. Rather, do what’s practical.
Just because something is traditional doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. This will be especially important to keep in mind when deciding how to raise your children. Saving face is not as important as the well-being of your marriage. In my husband’s culture, the husband can ask the wife to bring him food, even if he is able to get it himself easily. That’s pretty rude in American culture, however my husband is not intending to be rude and it’s no trouble for me, so I comply. And on the other hand, my husband will help with cooking and laundry, which are strictly “women’s work” in his culture. We incorporated both American and Indian traditions into our wedding, and that has been the way our lifestyle has rolled ever since.
– Ideas about sex.
Sex is a gift from God and very important between a husband and wife because its main purpose is for bonding and expressing love, along with the secondary purpose of having children. However different cultures can have vastly different ideas and feelings regarding sex. Some cultures expect the man to have a stronger sex drive than the woman. Other cultures say having sex on the wife’s period is wrong. Sex is a very uncomfortable subject of discussion for many people as it’s so deeply personal, and in many cultures people will not speak of it at all.
It’s vital to look to the Bible for answers. From studying the Bible carefully, we’ve found that anything a husband and wife do between the two of them is fine, as long as they both consent to it. Show kindness to your spouse by accommodating as best you can to their sexual desires and needs; that includes times of abstinence if they have a low libido.
Also, what the husband and wife do should be a special, intimate secret between the two of them. That being said, physical and emotional problems relating to intimacy should be discussed with a doctor or professional therapist.
– Show respect to each other’s countries and cultures.
At any given time, one of you is probably going to be homesick. When you’re homesick, be careful not to complain about your spouse’s culture or make negative general statements about their countrymen. Your spouse’s culture is a part of who they are as a person. In a sense, it would be like whining constantly about the things that annoy you about your spouse – and no one wants to live with a person like that!
On the flip side, you should be free to express things which upset you, as long as you don’t become bitter or complaining. When your spouse is homesick, if he/she begins to talk negatively about your culture, be patient and do your best to comfort your spouse. Most people hit a plateau of depression when they’re adjusting to a new culture, but it doesn’t last forever.
– Family Planning
On a similar line, if an intercultural couple wants to have children, I would encourage them to wait at least a year after marriage to try and conceive. During your first year of marriage, not only are you adjusting to living with your spouse but you are also learning to live in a new culture — if not also a new country. It’s important during this adjustment period you focus on building your relationship, establish some routines and learn all you can about each others’ cultures. That can be quite a strenuous period of time in and of itself, and adding pregnancy and the responsibility of caring for a baby at this adjustment period will be overwhelming for most people.
A great deal of intercultural couples experience depression, stress and marital conflict resulting from having a baby immediately after marrying.
However, all this being said, the optimal time for a couple to have a baby will be determined by their individual circumstances.
Anna Sojourning 