Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
–Ephesians 4:32
We’re created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and since by definition God is love (1 John 4:8), we all have the capacity to love others…Our relationship with God plays the defining role in how we’re able to love others.
For most people, love is a feeling which changes with the tides. But real love is deeper than that. This is because, as 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 explains, love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action. And since the sinful and spiritual sides of our nature are always fighting against each other, love can be a whole lot of work!
It’s our relationship with God that helps us have long-term love for others. After all, 1 John 4:19 reminds us that we can love others, because God first loved us. Also, it’s out of respect and honor for God that we show love to other people
Be Kind to One Another
Kindness is found in Paul’s list of the qualities of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-13) and in the fruits of The Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) so we know it’s important. But what defines kindness?
Oxford dictionary of English says kindness means, “The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.”
Simply put, to be kind is to serve others when you owe them nothing and expect nothing in return. There are some important ways to show kindness to your spouse.
-Learn your spouse’s love language; discover what makes your spouse feel loved. Is your spouse physically affectionate? Give him/her plenty of cuddle time. Does your spouse express love verbally? Tell them often how much you love them.
-Do helpful things for your spouse such as chores, watching the children or running errands.
-Take them on a date or outing – just the two of you – and spend time talking about positive things which interest you.
-Sincerely compliment your spouse and thank them for things they do every day.
-This may seem unimportant, but it can make a positive difference; be attractive for your spouse. Practice good self-care and hygiene, buy some pretty underwear, occasionally dress up in clothes your spouse finds attractive. You also will feel a confidence boost as you practice good self-care.
And the point is to do all of these things without asking, “What’s in it for me?” Don’t expect thanks, gratitude or anything in return. Don’t even expect a good feeling; Christians are to show kindness even if we don’t feel like it.
Kindness will become easier as you learn empathy, and empathy in turn will develop as you look for ways to be kind to your spouse. It’s a blessed, self-feeding cycle!
Be Tenderhearted
Note that some Bible translations use the word, “understanding” in Ephesians 4:32. Simply put, to be tenderhearted or understanding means to be compassionate and empathetic. As Christians we’re called to sympathize with others and see things from their perspective.
Our differences have the potential to be our biggest strength as a couple. But first we must learn what it is to be tenderhearted and understanding. Unfortunately, this doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but there are ways to learn and develop understanding.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. (See Psalm 103:8) Meditate on the ways in which God has shown compassion towards you when you were struggling. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you also will be able to express the same love to your spouse.
There are other things which you may find helpful:
–Try using a Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test to determine your personality and that of your spouse.
–Pray for understanding and tenderheartedness!
Anna Sojourning 