So that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
— Ephesians 4:14-15
I emailed my mother a few weeks ago asking what her thoughts on the subject of marital conflict were. Her response was,
“Conflict is unpleasant, but it’s not always bad.
Conflict is simply two people having different desires, beliefs, values or needs.
No conflict means;
1) the couple isn’t emotionally close enough for their differences to bother them.
2) one or both of the couple is suppressing a whole lot of themselves in the marriage and resentment will build up.
Handled correctly, conflict can help us grow as we learn to see other’s viewpoints and practice self-control in our behaviors and attitudes towards each other. It’s only when we respond with things like pride, competitiveness, disrespect, lack of empathy and caring, inadequate communication skills etc. that conflict becomes damaging.”
Communication and conflict resolution are broad subjects to cover and there are thousands, if not millions, of books and blogs regarding this subject. After extensive reading, I’ve listed some basic skills which are commonly advised by therapists and marriage counselors, as well as some practical things which I’ve found helpful in my marriage.
Good Communication
Good communication can often prevent a conflict before it even starts. Some good rules of thumb are:
- Never lie under any circumstances. I promise any lie you tell will always come around to bite you in the butt.
- Don’t assume your spouse knows what you want. Express your desires directly. If your husband didn’t buy you that necklace for your anniversary, it would be silly to get upset if you never told him you wanted it! Your spouse can’t read your mind…unless you married a supposed psychic or prophet. Then that’s a whole other issue…
- Don’t give the silent treatment or cold shoulder when you’re angry. You’ll just leave your spouse wondering what the issue is.
- Find a method of communication which works for both of you, even if it’s weird. I communicate better in writing than in speaking, so when I have something deeply emotional I want to talk about with my husband, I will write him a letter or email. He’ll read it, and then we’ll discuss it together. He thought it was weird at first…which it is…but it works for us! Everyone is different, however, so find ways which work well for you and your spouse.
Don’t fear conflict; not all arguments are bad. They can in fact be constructive in your relationship if you know how to, “Fight Fairly.” Firstly, one important key in any relationship is to rid yourself of arrogance and low self-esteem. We think of them as opposite qualities in a person, but really, they are both forms of self-centeredness, focusing on the self rather than on others around us. and result in the same behaviors, such as not taking responsibility for one’s own actions, blaming others, putting other people down, etc.
It will be difficult, if not impossible, for a person to put into practice “fair fighting” skills if they are focused on themselves rather than on God. I encourage all my readers (and myself) to pray frequently for humility. Remember that you WILL make mistakes; everyone does! However, that does not devalue you in the least, nor do your mistakes define you in Christ Jesus.
Anna Sojourning 